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Old 02-17-2017, 03:38 PM   #1
singhcr singhcr is offline
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Default How to deal with homophobia?

I came out as gay about two years ago. I was raised in a very conservative Christian household and was taught that being gay was a choice, it was the worst sin ever, it was disgusting, etc. This time last year I was close to suicide because I absolutely hated who I was and couldn't do anything about it. Over the last few years I have been much more at peace, but I still often feel that I have had a target on my back because of my sexuality.

I have lost friends of 20+ years, as well as my entire extended family save for one aunt and uncle. I have fallen in love for the first time in my life (yay!) and have a boyfriend, but we both get nervous kissing or holding hands in public. Minnesota is an accepting place overall especially in the Twin Cities region, but that fear is still there.

I get tired of hearing about bills being proposed that would make it legal for me to be fired from my job, lawmakers not wanting me to be able to get married, etc.

I have adopted a simple policy. Anyone, be it friends or family, must respect who I am. It doesn't matter if they "merely disagree" with my sexuality. There's no nice way to be bigoted, no matter how understated it is. If someone "disagreed" with my race, that makes them a racist. Same with my sexuality. It's a basic level of dignity that I insist upon. I can disagree with people's politics, etc- but these are opinions, not intrinsic aspects of one's humanity. That's the difference. Yet I find myself defending my stance from affirming friends and family who think I should be more understanding. It's exhausting.

I guess my question is this: how do I handle homophobia, from the pastors who call me an abomination and thought the Orlando shooting was God's work to those who are supportive of me in a way but would rather I be quiet when I am discriminated against?
 
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Old 02-17-2017, 03:53 PM   #2
BizCat BizCat is offline
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Tell them all to F themselves. It's not their business nor their place on how to decide what makes you happy.
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Fantasy Baseball: Stadium Bratwurst (13-14-3, 5th)
 
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Old 02-17-2017, 04:03 PM   #3
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It is absolutely nobody's business who you sleep with. People need to learn to mind their own business when it comes to sexuality. And any scum that think Pulse was God's work need to burn by Satan's work.
Don't touch that please, your primitive intellect wouldn't understand alloys and compositions and things with... molecular structures
 
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Old 02-17-2017, 04:38 PM   #4
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You don't need homophobic a-holes in your life. I'm always surprised when I learn that someone I've known is homophobic. I'm talking about a co-worker or a manager. I learned the other day that a supervisor of mine (who is being let go to help save the company money) is homophobic. Made me think even less of him. Luckily you don't live in an ultra conservative, rural area. That would make things even tougher. Good luck. Stay strong. Don't put up with close-minded people if you can help it.
 
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Old 02-17-2017, 04:45 PM   #5
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Biz and Army are right. Sorry to hear you have been shunned from your family the way that you have. Homophobia, along with racism or any kind of discrimination, needs to be eradicated.
Has your boyfriend's family been more understanding? And I feel a bit silly for asking about a silly rap song but have you heard Macklemore's Same Love? It is ****ing beautiful. I mean I didn't even censor ****ing and normally I would. That's how good the song is.
And on the seventh day, right before He rested, God posted two United States Marines at the gates of Heaven. St Peter's got the guest list but who do you think's runnin security?

United States Marines
Born to fight, trained to kill
Ready to die but never will
 
Old 02-17-2017, 04:49 PM   #6
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So while I'm cruising BR.com, I'm also at the boards at tenniswarehouse and as I'm in this thread, there is one there about the Orlando Pro Bowl kiss-cam and I think it would be fitting to post it here.
"Might not be the same, that's not important. No freedom till we're equal. Damn right I support it"
And on the seventh day, right before He rested, God posted two United States Marines at the gates of Heaven. St Peter's got the guest list but who do you think's runnin security?

United States Marines
Born to fight, trained to kill
Ready to die but never will
 
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Old 02-17-2017, 04:57 PM   #7
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Sounds like you are on the right track, glad to hear that you demand respect from those you allow into your life! Life is way too short for anything less.
 
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Old 02-17-2017, 05:14 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BizCat View Post
Tell them all to F themselves. It's not their business nor their place on how to decide what makes you happy.
that pretty much says it all!
I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.

--Evelyn Beatrice Hall
 
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Old 02-17-2017, 05:21 PM   #9
singhcr singhcr is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by civiclx View Post
Biz and Army are right. Sorry to hear you have been shunned from your family the way that you have. Homophobia, along with racism or any kind of discrimination, needs to be eradicated.
Has your boyfriend's family been more understanding? And I feel a bit silly for asking about a silly rap song but have you heard Macklemore's Same Love? It is ****ing beautiful. I mean I didn't even censor ****ing and normally I would. That's how good the song is.
My boyfriend is semi-closeted at the moment. He's out to his sister and a few of his cousins, but not the rest of his family. I don't think they know about me. Thankfully he's out to all of his friends and they are all supportive.

I haven't heard of that song, but I will have to give it a listen. Thanks for your understanding and compassion and thanks for the really sweet video too!

Everyone, seriously, I really appreciate it. When I read such supportive statements from total strangers it helps me believe that the world really isn't out to get me after all. It really helps. Thank you.
 
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Old 02-17-2017, 05:25 PM   #10
civiclx civiclx is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by singhcr View Post
My boyfriend is semi-closeted at the moment. He's out to his sister and a few of his cousins, but not the rest of his family. I don't think they know about me. Thankfully he's out to all of his friends and they are all supportive.

I haven't heard of that song, but I will have to give it a listen. Thanks for your understanding and compassion and thanks for the really sweet video too!

Everyone, seriously, I really appreciate it. When I read such supportive statements from total strangers it helps me believe that the world really isn't out to get me after all. It really helps. Thank you.
You don't have to look very far to see how f***** up people can be but there's a lot of good people out there as well. This may sound sappy but until your families can be more understanding, at least you have each other. I'm so glad this will be your first time hearing the song. He actually wrote a really good one after the election as well. Here is the official video
And on the seventh day, right before He rested, God posted two United States Marines at the gates of Heaven. St Peter's got the guest list but who do you think's runnin security?

United States Marines
Born to fight, trained to kill
Ready to die but never will
 
Old 02-17-2017, 05:30 PM   #11
singhcr singhcr is offline
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That's true. We do have each other. It's wonderful to have someone that loves you, someone who supports you through life and is there for you when you are down. I never thought I'd ever have such a person in my life and now I do, after 33 years of waiting. It was worth it.

I agree that there are a lot of good people out there. Thankfully, my parents and my sister are supportive and that helps a lot. The term safe space is often mocked but for me they very much are. They and people like everyone here remind me to remember the compassion and decency of humanity and not focus so much on the bigotry and hatred.

Thanks for the link. I will have to give this a watch when I get home and I will let you know what I think of it!
 
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Old 02-17-2017, 05:34 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by singhcr View Post
..
I have adopted a simple policy. Anyone, be it friends or family, must respect who I am. It doesn't matter if they "merely disagree" with my sexuality. ..

Lose that chip on your shoulder and you'll get along fine.

Nobody wants to be preached to. You don't want to hear it from others...and they don't want to hear it from you.

Just go about your business.
 
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Old 02-17-2017, 05:36 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by singhcr View Post
Thankfully, my parents and my sister are supportive and that helps a lot. The term safe space is often mocked but for me they very much are.

Thanks for the link. I will have to give this a watch when I get home and I will let you know what I think of it!
That's wonderful that you have your safe space. I didn't realize at first that they were so supportive. You said you lost most of your extended family. No need to change who you are. It's the people that can't accept it that need to change. I'm glad you felt comfortable about telling us here. Sure we're just people on the internet but it could still be difficult. I'm all for law and order but hopefully they never pass any bills or laws that can you fired for your sexual orientation like you mentioned. It's amazing how bigoted some people can be. I'm not super religious but I respect those that are but until God Himself tells me directly that homosexuality is a sin, I don't buy it.
And on the seventh day, right before He rested, God posted two United States Marines at the gates of Heaven. St Peter's got the guest list but who do you think's runnin security?

United States Marines
Born to fight, trained to kill
Ready to die but never will
 
Old 02-17-2017, 05:39 PM   #14
civiclx civiclx is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dex Robinson View Post
Lose that chip on your shoulder and you'll get along fine.

Nobody wants to be preached to. You don't want to hear it from others...and they don't want to hear it from you.

Just go about your business.
It will certainly help if he can lose that chip on his shoulder but he shouldn't have one in the first place. What's more important, for him to get over the people that don't accept him or for others to be more tolerant? And it has to be kind of hard when he's dealing with pressure from friends and family.
And on the seventh day, right before He rested, God posted two United States Marines at the gates of Heaven. St Peter's got the guest list but who do you think's runnin security?

United States Marines
Born to fight, trained to kill
Ready to die but never will
 
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Old 02-17-2017, 05:47 PM   #15
singhcr singhcr is offline
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Thank you. It is still difficult to come out like this. I often fear people will react poorly. But I am gradually getting more confident and more aware that there's more support out there than I thought. The LGBT movie thread, for example, is awesome because it makes me feel very much welcome here.

Sorry for any confusion about my family situation. My extended family was in an even more conservative Christian environment than my immediate family was. When I came out it took time but my immediate family overwhelmingly accepted me- my relatives did not. Most of my friends accepted me, but some did not like my oldest friend. I have met Christians who are supportive of me but it's particularly hurtful to have people use God as an excuse to hate me.

I would like to get to a point where I don't get so bothered by people who oppose me, but like civiclx said I shouldn't have to be treated like this in the first place. People are legally entitled to be bigots in terms of free speech, but they should be shamed by society if they open their mouths because such things are incredibly degrading and hurtful. They certainly should not be passing laws to make my life miserable because I have the same inherent rights and dignity as a human being just like everyone else. I shouldn't have to put up with what I do.

Last edited by singhcr; 02-17-2017 at 08:03 PM.
 
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Old 02-17-2017, 05:57 PM   #16
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Nope you shouldn't have to put up with shit. As much as they talk about this world becoming more PC, it's amazing just how many people there are that have a problem with it. It's like they just want to offend people so badly. You know there's no problem with those that don't get homosexuality. I can't imagine why a dude would want to kiss another dude. I don't understand that. Well you don't need to understand it, you just need to accept it.

And the confusion was on my part I am easily tricked and confused lol
And on the seventh day, right before He rested, God posted two United States Marines at the gates of Heaven. St Peter's got the guest list but who do you think's runnin security?

United States Marines
Born to fight, trained to kill
Ready to die but never will
 
Old 02-17-2017, 05:59 PM   #17
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Though Dex Robinson is abrasive in his post...let me say there is a component of which I agree. I had to learn a while back there are some people you can not change who they are. To focus on changing them means their problems become your problems.

It must hurt even more that these are the people you love (I can't imagine)...but the point is it maybe a losing effort and a waste of your focus and energy to change their views.

The only thing you can control is your own life (trite but true), so work on being the best person and best partner you can be to yourself and your mate. It's truly your families' loss if you aren't in their life. Maybe over time, they will see their hate is not worth losing out on your relationship and love.

Congrats on you being you...it must have taken a tremendous amount of strength and courage to come out. ...let that change be the building block for your future.

Ron

PS: Hopefully there will be a day where topics like this will be an archaic view from the past.
 
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Old 02-17-2017, 06:46 PM   #18
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When it comes to these kinds of people, the best thing you can do is to just ignore and avoid them as much as you can, cut them out of your life if they're causing you distress. As far as I'm concerned, hardcore religious conservatives are the scum of the earth, but I don't seek them out to listen to them preach their beliefs. They can stay in their churches, mosques, etc. and spew whatever BS they want in there and I'll stay as far as away from them as I can.
 
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Old 02-17-2017, 07:00 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ronboster View Post
Though Dex Robinson is abrasive in his post...let me say there is a component of which I agree. I had to learn a while back there are some people you can not change who they are. To focus on changing them means their problems become your problems.

It must hurt even more that these are the people you love (I can't imagine)...but the point is it maybe a losing effort and a waste of your focus and energy to change their views.

The only thing you can control is your own life (trite but true), so work on being the best person and best partner you can be to yourself and your mate. It's truly your families' loss if you aren't in their life. Maybe over time, they will see their hate is not worth losing out on your relationship and love.

Congrats on you being you...it must have taken a tremendous amount of strength and courage to come out. ...let that change be the building block for your future.

Ron

PS: Hopefully there will be a day where topics like this will be an archaic view from the past.
I agree with the concept of not trying to change everyone's minds- not because they are right and their viewpoint should be respected, but because it's a losing battle and a waste of energy and life. The more I focus on trying to get them to respect me again, the more miserable I become because talking to people like that or even being around them is poisonous to me. I am trying my best to ignore them and to surround myself with people who care about me.

That is why I never spoke to my relatives after I came out to them, because I learned from talking to my oldest friend that trying to convince someone that their viewpoint is hurtful to me was incredibly draining emotionally and physically and honestly made me suicidal again.

It reminds me of the line in Wargames: "The only way to win is not to play."

Your advice is very sound and I appreciate it. It has been hard, but it has forced me to stand up for myself and to be less reliant on approval from other people. No matter what I do, there will always be someone who doesn't like me. Thank you for your compliments. Coming out really has been a turning point in my life. I was bullied as a kid (not for being gay, I didn't even know I was at the time because I shut all of my emotions down and never dated) and never had any self confidence. Now I do, despite all I have gone through. I have never been so convicted of anything in my life. This is who I am. Literally. Nobody gets to reject me, and I deserve to be happy. God is not cruel. Even though people use him as an excuse to hate me, I know that God really loves me as I am.

Even when I was fighting my desires, there was a part of me that was screaming to be let free for the first time in my life. Has it been hard? Oh yes. I nearly took my life. But I am more free, confident, and happy than I have ever been.
 
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Old 02-17-2017, 08:27 PM   #20
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i would like to add that i think one of the best ways to deal with it is the same way you deal with idiots.....ignore them.
I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.

--Evelyn Beatrice Hall
 
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