Without quoting the entire script
, here are a few of my favourites...
"I'm a rooster illusion."
"Check it out. Dustin Hoffman,
Rain Man, looked retarded, acted retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho'. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks,
Forrest Gump. Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. Peter Sellers,
Being There. Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man.
Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001,
I Am Sam. Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed."
"I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe, and swwwwaaallow the gravy."
"I'm a lead farmer motherf***er!"
"Now I want you to take a step back... and literally F**K your own face!"
"And who here is the key grip? You? You! Hit that director in the face, really f***ing hard! "
"Mother nature just pissed her pant suit!!!"
"Pump your breaks, kid, that man's a national treasure."
(referring to Crocodile Dundee)
"I know what dude I am. I'm the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude! You're the dude that don't know what dude he is."
"I don't read the script. The script reads me."
"I need to bite its hide... and wear its stomach like a unitard."
"You know back before the war broke out I was a saucier in San Antone. I bet I could collar up some of them greens, yeah, some crawfish out the paddy, yo'! Ha! I'm makin' some crabapples for dessert now, yo! Hell yeah, ha!"
"Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot. They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box."
"Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary."
"You more shredded than a Julienne salad, man."
"Cockburn, from now on my fist is going to be so far up your sh*thole that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring."
"Let's move! We only have 16 hours before they wake up!"