Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without the warmth.
Frasier: Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating.
Frasier: My study? You expect me to give up my study, the place where I read, where I do my most profound thinking?
Martin: Ah, use the can like the rest of the world!
Frasier: When was the last time you had an unexpressed thought?
Niles: I'm having one now.
Frasier: Dad, as dear as this piece is to you, I just don't think it goes with anything here.
Martin: I know, it's eclectic!
Niles: Now that you two are settled in, I have to run. I'm late for my "Dysfunctional Family" seminar.
Martin: I call him Eddie Spaghetti.
Daphne: Oh, he likes pasta?
Martin: No, he has worms.
Frasier: Don't be alarmed. We'll contact you. If not by telephone, then through the toaster.
Frasier: The whole idea of getting somebody in here was to help ease my burden, not to add to it!
Martin: Oh, do you hear that, Eddie? We're a burden.
Frasier: Oh Dad, Dad, you're, you're twisting my words! I meant burden in its most positive sense!
Martin: As in, "Gee, what a lovely burden?"
Frasier: Something like that, yes!
Daphne: I'll just pop into the loo - you do have one, don't you?
Frasier: Yes.
Daphne: Oh, I love America.
Frasier: Thank you, Niles. You're a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.
Niles: You're a good brother, too.
Frasier: Dad! Dad! I can't read my paper! Eddie's staring at me!
Martin: Just ignore him.
Frasier: I'm trying to!
Martin: I'm talking to the dog!
Bulldog: Hey, where the hell's my Cosell tape? Somebody stole my Cosell tape! This stinks! This is total B.S.! This... oh, here it is.
Roz: Gary? I broke up with him three weeks ago... The sex was OK, but he was kind of limited... No, no, no, it wasn't that Gary was bad in bed. I mean, he knew where all the parts were. Unfortunately, most of them were his... Yes. Totally passionless. It was like he was thinking of someone else... I know I was... Somebody's here, I gotta go... All right, I'll talk to you later. Bye, Mom.
Daphne: Remind me again. Which one of Kyle's eyes is really looking at me?
Frasier: The brown one.
Frasier: I can't read my book. I can't have my coffee. I can't have any peace in my own home.
Niles: So, what you're saying is you want to be closer to Dad but you don't actually want him around.
Frasier: Ah, yes, the Crane family specialty. Fried eggs, swimming in fat, served in a delightfully hollowed-out piece of white bread. I can almost hear my left ventricle slamming shut as I speak.
Martin: You want cheese on that?
Frasier: No. I'd like to leave some blood flow for the clot to go swiftly to my brain.
Martin: Look, you want us to forge some great father-son relationship, to make some connection. Well, that kind of thing takes a couple of years, not a couple of days, doesn't it? You're the shrink.
Frasier: A couple of years, huh?
Martin: Ah, it'll go by before you know it.
Frasier: Either that, or it'll seem like eternity.
Frasier: I'll get him for this. And his little dog, too!
Daphne: Oh, good morning, Dr. Crane. Not a morning person, are we? Well, never you mind. I am. Can't very well be a good health care provider if you're not up with the cock. I've already taken your father for his morning constitutional. Such a remarkable man - thirty years on the police force. I can understand why you'd want him to live here, although not many sons would do that, not without getting paid for it. Anyway, coffee's made, and I took the liberty of doing a shop. They don't serve much tripe in Seattle, do they?
Frasier: And you are...?
Frasier: What are you doing?
Martin: I'm leaving you alone.
Frasier: Well, it's very annoying!
Niles: Hello there, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, what fresh hell is this?
Niles: Dad's so set in his ways.
Frasier: Well, we all are, at some point in our lives. Remember when you used to think the 1812 Overture was a great piece of classical music?
Niles: Was I ever that young?
Niles: Say, funny thing happened the other day, uh. One of my patients had a rather amusing Freudian slip. Uh, he was having dinner with his wife and he meant to say, "Pass the salt," but instead he said, "You've ruined my life, you blood-sucking shrew."
Waitress: Hi, can I get you guys something from the bar?
Frasier: Oh dear God, yes.
Niles: I'll have a Stoli Gibson on the rocks, with three pearl onions.
Frasier: If you bring him two - if you bring him four - he'll send it back.
Waitress: And for you?
Frasier: The same.
Niles: Well, what a lovely accent. Is that, er, Manchester?
Daphne: Yes. How'd you know?
Niles: Oh, I'm quite the anglophile; I'm sure Frasier and dad have already told you.
Daphne: No, they didn't mention it.
Niles: Ah... you undoubtedly guessed as much when they said I'd spent a year studying at Cambridge.
Daphne: No, they didn't mention that, either.
Niles: I guess my father and brother don't spend a lot of time talking about me when I'm not around!
Daphne: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Daphne: [to Niles] Oh, wait a minute! I'm getting something on you...
Frasier: She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.
Daphne: You have occasional bouts of colitis, don't you?
Niles: Yes! Frasier... she's phenomenal!
Daphne: It's a gift. Well, cheerio!
Niles: Ta-ta!
Frasier: Niles, you've never had colitis a day in your life!
Niles: I know, but I couldn't bear to disappoint her...
Niles: In the middle of dressing for the evening, she suddenly slumped down on the edge of the bed in her half-slip and sighed. Of course, I knew then and there that dinner was not to be.
Niles: Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier! I'm a happily married man! Maris means the world to me. Why, just the other day I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.
Niles: Outside of our last name and abnormally well-developed calf muscles, we have nothing in common with the man.
Martin: Sometimes there's nothing like a good steak.
Frasier: Oh, I wish this was one of those times.
Martin: There's nothing like the smell of charbroiled meat.
Niles: This aroma's triggering a sense memory. Something familiar, yet... Oh, of course. It's Maris in her home tanning bed.
Roz: So, I step out of the shower, I look out of the window and I notice the garbage man looking right in at me. So I say, "Did you get a good look?" And he says, "Not completely, turn around." Then he smiled, and he's missing a tooth, and that's when the romance went right out of it for me.
Frasier: As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"..."I Hate Frasier Crane". What trenchant criticism. Move aside Voltaire, step back in the shadows H.L. Mencken, there's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef d'oeuvre: "I... *hate*... Frasier Crane."
Roz: Dr. Crane, on line 2, we have Stewart who's having a problem with delayed gratification.
Frasier: Well, he's just gonna have to wait!
Daphne: Will Mrs. Crane be coming?
Niles: No, I'm afraid not. And please, no more of this Doctor and Mrs. Crane formality. To you, it's Niles and... uh...
Frasier: Maris.
Niles: Yes, Maris.
Martin: Boy, it's a long time since I've been dating. Have things changed much in the last forty years?
Frasier: Well, the wardrobe's a little different, but, ummm... your ultimate goal is still the same.
Frasier: Now calm down son, listen to daddy. It's just a bad dream. I promise you, Senator Thurmond is not in your closet.
Doug: Do you mind if we stop while I tell you my pet peeve?
Frasier: Oh, not at all.
Doug: I hate it when intellectual pinheads with superiority complexes nit-pick your grammar when you come to them for help. That's what I got a problem with!
Frasier: I think what he means is that is a thing... with which he has a problem.
Martin: Thanks, Frasier. You know, I guess I don't say it often enough but you're a good kid.
Frasier: Well, thanks Dad. You know, there's something I don't say often enough...
Martin: There's nothing you don't say often enough.
Frasier: Ah, yes. There are a million stories in the naked city. Now if we could just find a naked one.
Frasier: God, I hate lawyers.
Niles: Me too. But they make wonderful patients: they have excellent health insurance and they never get better.
Martin: For God's sake, Frasier, you're forty-one years old - it's time you learned something. The system ain't perfect - sometimes the bad guy wins. And all those things you thought would be around to help you, the courts and the police department - well, sometimes, they're just not there when you need them, so you can either let it eat a hole in your stomach or you can just file it away under the heading "Sometimes life sucks."
Frasier: Yeah, well, that file's getting pretty thick!
Frasier: By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
Niles: She's on your bed.
Frasier: My bed?
Niles: Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.
Frasier: Niles, what is the name of that really vicious lawyer that you use?
Niles: Which one, the one I used to sue the contractor or the one I used to sue the personal trainer?
Frasier: Well, the meanest.
Niles: Uh, that would be the second one. I used him to sue the first one.
Daphne: Well, my theory on death is, first you're whisked down a long, dark tunnel towards a beautiful white light; you suddenly get all the jokes you never got before, you let out a little chuckle, and then you die.
Frasier: Dad, will you stop showing these crime scene photos? You're embarrassing me.
Martin: Oh, these society people eat this up. Besides, she was the one that brought it up.
Frasier: Oh, she brought it up? Bethany van Pelt, the head of the Junior League, brought up the subject of a hooker whose body was hideously dismembered and scattered all over an abandoned warehouse?
Martin: Yeah, she asked, "aren't these Swedish meatballs the messiest things you've ever seen?" and I said, "No, as a matter of fact..."
Frasier: Hello, yes. Oh, just a second. Dad, who do I ask for?
Martin: Have them put you through to the fine arts forgery department.
Frasier: Right. Hello, yes, the fine arts forgery department, please... Dad, they're laughing at me.
Frasier: I don't believe it! You're shining me on. You are shining me on! Where is the fairness in this, where is the justice?
Hayson: Dr. Crane, if you ever find justice in this world, let me know, will you? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some work to do.
Frasier: Oh, what? Did a crate of freshly-painted Rembrandts just arrive?
Frasier: Damn it, Niles, where is the justice? Where am I supposed to turn to? I'm a, a beloved household personality and I've been screwed!
Last edited by Benoit Blanc; 09-18-2023 at 01:26 AM.
Frasier: This is killing me! You think I don't want to pick you up right now, carry you over to that Eames classic, and show you why it's the best-engineered chair in the world?
Catherine: Are you telling me that the thought of making love to me makes you sick to your stomach?
Frasier: Yes, but don't take it personally.
Niles: I'll dispense with the usual adolescent teasing and come straight to the point: who was that babe-o-rama?
Frasier: Niles, please don't try to be hip. You remind me of Bob Hope when he dresses up as the Fonz.
Frasier: How I envy you, Eddie. The biggest questions in your life are, "Who's going to walk me? Who's going to feed me?" I won't know that kind of joy for another forty years.
Niles: I just realized if Dad's eating here, this can't be a very good restaurant.
Frasier: "How am I doing?" How are you doing, Niles? Doesn't it bother you that your father cheated on my mother?
Niles: Frasier, your loyalties are seeping through, and I might point out that I got Mom's small features while you got Dad's chunky thighs.
Frasier: Now... we've got a free evening. This sounds like the perfect opportunity for a couple of guys on the loose to, ah... hit a sports bar, have a couple of brewskis, maybe take in a game or two.
Niles: Right. But what shall we do?
Niles: Oh, that's right. That was the same period where you insisted on wearing the wax earplugs and the slumber mask.
Frasier: Well, I had to, what with you underneath the covers with a flashlight looking at the National Geographics.
Niles: I was looking at the maps!
Frasier: That's what makes it so scary.
Frasier: Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now... I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.
Daphne: It was about a group of high-spirited, ethnically diverse twelve-year-olds in a girls' private boarding school. I played Emma, the short, spunky one. Of course, by the end of the series, I was sixteen, five foot ten, and they had me boozies bound up tighter than a mummy. Well, I'm off.
Frasier: The woman is like an artichoke. You just keep peeling away one astounding leaf after another.
Niles: You're no different from that movie star who let everyone look up her skirt in that film and then did nothing but complain that nobody took her seriously as an actress.
Frasier: Well, that has nothing to do with it!
Niles: Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video. I don't mind telling you we pushed our beds together that night. And that was no mean feat. Her room, as you know, is across the hall.
Frasier: What would you think if I did a commercial and publicly endorsed a product?
Daphne: Oh, you mean like Cher does?
Frasier: Thank you, Daphne, one against.
Bebe: Oh, come on, Dr. Crane, I've heard those spots you've done for that Chinese restaurant. You make me want to stuff my face full of egg rolls and... I don't know what.
Niles: I really have to go. I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.
Niles: Sorry, I have to go. Maris is despondent. They kicked her out of the cast of "Cats".
Daphne: Why?
Niles: She couldn't remember the words to "Memory".
Frasier: Why is it that every time we try to have a serious discussion, we end up talking about your sex life?
Roz: Because I have one.
Martin: I remember when I took you for your first tetanus shot, you were about five or six.
Frasier: Oh boy, was I scared. I remember you holding my hand.
Martin: Yeah. Bent over that table, dropped your little drawers. When the nurse gave you the shot, you took your mind off it by reciting the names of all of Puccini's operas. Right then I knew you'd never be a cop.
Frasier: You can't spend your life being obsessed with death.
Mrs. Newman: You're not Jewish, are you?
Martin: I don't like Dr. Jennings. He's got a model of a colon on his desk, he keeps his tongue depressors in it.
These are all very funny quotes, and reminds me of how much I enjoy this show. I haven't picked up the Blu-Rays yet; maybe on Black Friday or around Christmas.
Martin: Hey, for your information, people of our generation think sex is a private thing. And I still think that's a pretty healthy way of looking at it. Sex is something between you and the person you're doing it to!
Niles: So... does this mean you're hoping to get lucky Friday night?
Frasier: Oh please, nobody refers to having sex as "getting lucky" anymore.
Niles: I do.
Frasier: ...and though washing one's hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive/compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner.
Frasier: Now listen Niles, I'm having a young lady over on Friday night. I was hoping that maybe you could take Dad out for me.
Niles: Oh, I wish you'd said Saturday.
Frasier: Why, you have plans Friday?
Niles: No, I have plans Saturday.
Marianne: Kids - you can't live with them, you can't shove them back in the womb.
Frasier: Well, as we try to forget the image that summons up...
Frasier: You know, I have a son. I'd hate to think by the time he's your age, he thinks of me as some sort of, um...
Renata: Dweeb?
Frasier: Thank you.
Renata: Brace yourself.
Niles: Can I be of any assistance in the kitchen?
Daphne: No, I have everything well in hand.
Niles: Ah well, lucky everything.
Frasier: Please don't go. Child development is not my thing. My specialty is adult relations.
Kristina: Well, you won't be having any of those tonight.
Frasier: Oh Niles, Niles, just sit down and relax, for God's sakes. You're being irrational.
Niles: Don't you *dare* call me irrational! You know that makes me crazy!
Frasier: Don't you believe in second chances?
Martin: I did. Then we had Niles.
Niles: Excuse me. Has a young woman been in here this evening approximately five foot nine and three quarters, with skin the colour of Devonshire cream and the sort of eyes that gaze directly into one's soul with neither artifice nor evasion?
Niles: I'm not without resources. My Tae Kwon Do instructor tells me I'm just two moves away from becoming quite threatening!
Frasier: What truffles are to pigs so are these charlatans and pettifoggers to my mental acuity!
Martin: Oh hi, Daphne. This is Daphne Moon, these are my friends, Linda, Frank, Jimmy.
Frank: Very pretty name. Do people call you Daffy for short?
Daphne: Not twice.
Frasier: Look at this place. I never felt so conspicuous in my life.
Niles: You must simply try to blend in. Fortunately, I haven't shaved in several hours. You should loosen your tie.
Frasier: Yes, and you might try tucking in your watch fob.
Niles: That happens to be a Phi-Beta-Kappa key.
Frasier: Oh, then by all means, let it dangle. Perhaps they have a local chapter.
Lilith: I'm here for a convention and I happened to hear your voice on the radio. I kept hoping that you'd introduce Pearl Jam's latest hit, but to my chagrin, you were doling out worthless little advice pellets from your psychiatric Pez dispenser.
Lilith: [to Eddie] Go away!
Frasier: Now why does he listen to you and not to me?
Lilith: By the tone of my voice, he senses I mean business.
Frasier: Oh, I see. You're saying your voice is more commanding than mine is?
Martin: Hell, I took a half a step before I realized she was talking to the dog!
Frasier: Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife Lilith.
Lilith: What do you mean by celebrity?
Frasier: Oh, they know you.
Lilith: I was insane to divorce you!
Frasier: Oh god, you're in my thoughts every waking hour!
Lilith: You're the only man I've ever loved!
Frasier: So are you!
Niles: At our wedding, while Maris was reciting her vows, which she wrote herself - vows of love from the heart - I distinctly heard snickering. I glanced behind me and there was Lilith, her fingers pressed hard against her lips, her body shaking like a paint mixer.
Frasier: I must be early - I see you haven't had a chance to put up your hair yet.
Lilith: Oh, I thought I'd leave it down tonight.
Frasier: Really?
Lilith: Yes - after several hours of careful deliberation, and weighing all the consequences, I decided to be playful.
Daphne: When I shook hands with that woman, I lost all feeling in me arm.
Daphne: Dr. Crane...
Niles: Yes, Daphne?
Daphne: We're losing the fire!
Niles: No, we're not, it's burning with the heat of a thousand suns!
Frasier: My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!
Niles: Double Cappuccino, half-caf, not-fat milk, with just enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing but not so much that it leaves a moustache.
Eric: Cinnamon or chocolate on that?
Niles: Oh, they make this so complicated.
Frasier: What do you do when the romance goes out of a relationship?
Roz: I get dressed and go home.
Niles: I'm just not someone who cries, it's not in my nature. When Maris' uncle Lyle died, I had to shut my hand in the car door just to make a decent showing at the funeral.
Niles: How could she like him? The man has "community college" written all over him!
Niles: Love is a funny thing, isn't it? Sometimes it's exciting and passionate. Sometimes it's something else. Something... comfortable and familiar. That newly-exfoliated little face staring up at you across the breakfast table... sharing a laugh together when you see someone wearing white after Labor Day.
Niles: Oh, Daphne, don't worry. You are a very special person, and some day a man worthy of you will come along... just as soon as the gods create him.
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