The Joke Thread

[SquidPuppet]

A Blonde joke you never heard before...

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shoe shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an
Alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

Then, as she rolled her most recent catch onto it’s back, she rolled her eyes and screamed in frustration......

[Show spoiler]SONOFAB!TCH! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

[ScarredLungs]

I laughed. It made me think of the TV show Swamp People. That is a pretty cool show.

[NARMAK]

Not bad lol

Wish i had one to share alongside my comment but a las, i don't.

[SleeperAgent]

(Forewarning: this includes a religious figure, if you're going to freak out about it don't read it)


So three guys die and go to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. He says to them "You all lived good lives and are going to be accepted in to Heaven, on one condition. I will send you back to do one bad deed, then you will POOF back here for entrance."

So St. Peter send them all back, the first guy walks up to a guy and kicks him in the crotch. POOF he's back at the gates. St. Peter says "drink from the holy fountain and go through. So he does, and spits it back out. St. Peter goes "what's wrong?" to which the first guy replies "it tastes bad". St. Peter tells him to go through anyways.

The second guy goes into a convenience store and robs the place. POOF back in heaven. St. Peter tell him also to drink from the holy fountain, same result. "It tastes terrible" says the second guy. St. Peter tells him to go on in anyways.

St. Peter looks over the the third guy who's laughing himself silly and asks, "What did you do wrong, I was busy?"

The third guy looks right at him and says

[Show spoiler]"I pissed in the holy fountain".

[SquidPuppet]

Originally Posted by SleeperAgent

(Forewarning: this includes a religious figure, if you're going to freak out about it don't read it)


So three guys die and go to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. He says to them "You all lived good lives and are going to be accepted in to Heaven, on one condition. I will send you back to do one bad deed, then you will POOF back here for entrance."

So St. Peter send them all back, the first guy walks up to a guy and kicks him in the crotch. POOF he's back at the gates. St. Peter says "drink from the holy fountain and go through. So he does, and spits it back out. St. Peter goes "what's wrong?" to which the first guy replies "it tastes bad". St. Peter tells him to go through anyways.

The second guy goes into a convenience store and robs the place. POOF back in heaven. St. Peter tell him also to drink from the holy fountain, same result. "It tastes terrible" says the second guy. St. Peter tells him to go on in anyways.

St. Peter looks over the the third guy who's laughing himself silly and asks, "What did you do wrong, I was busy?"

The third guy looks right at him and says

[Show spoiler]"I pissed in the holy fountain".

Ha ha. Did he get in?

[Blu-Benny]

[Show spoiler]A baby seal walks into a club.

What did the fish when he ran into a wall......

[Show spoiler]damn!!

[Scarriere]

Superman and Lois Lane had finally gotten married. One time, Lois was out of the Country for several days on assignment for The Daily Planet. Superman was out flying around Metropolis on patrol when he spots Wonder Woman sunbathing in the nude on a rooftop. He says to himself "Hmmm. I could swoop down there, have my way with her and take-off before she knew what happened.... No, I better not." And flies away.
A few days later he's out patrolling when again, he spots Wonder Woman sunbathing in the nude on a rooftop. He and Lois haven't been together for quite a while now so he's feeling EXTREMELY frisky. "Yeah, to heck with it" he says and swoops down and pounds away at her then flies off.
Wonder Woman says "What the hell was that?!"

[Show spoiler]The Invisible Man says "I don't know, but it sure fricken hurt!!"

[Musashi]

Hope this doesn't get deleted like the last one, which had some good ones.

This guy goes into a restaurant located on an upper floor of a tall building. He takes a seat at the bar, orders beer, and watches the game. Then a drunk guy starts tugging on his shirt saying, "hey man come check this out." First guy says back to him "go away I'm busy." But the drunk guy still hassles him saying "Its the updraft. You have to try the updraft!" First guy maintains "Updraft? You need to quit drinking!"

Relentlessly, the drunk yanks the first guy off his barstool saying "C'mere I'll show you."

First guy says "oh fine" and walks over to the window with the drunk guy.

Drunk guy opens the window and explains, "You jump out, then the updraft takes you back up a couple floors. Then y'grab the fire escape and climb back inside. Easy huh?"

First guy not convinced, tells him "You're full of it."

Drunk says "Watch!", jumps out, falls, slows down, then actually starts moving awkwardly upwards, reaches for the fire escape, pulls himself in, and climbs back into the bar. "See? Its really fun!" he says.

First guy is astounded, says "Its real?!?" Damn! That really does look fun!"

Drunk guy eggs him on, "Go for it bro!"

And so, the first guy steps to the window, jumps, falls,

[Show spoiler]and slams into the pavement, definitely broken, probably dead. Drunk guy laughs a little, and awkwardly returns to the bar. The bartender angrily facepalming, growls,

[Show spoiler]"You're such an a$#0!# when you're drunk, Superman!"

[Scarriere]

Originally Posted by Musashi

Hope this doesn't get deleted like the last one, which had some good ones.

[Show spoiler]This guy goes into a restaurant located on an upper floor of a tall building. He takes a seat at the bar, orders beer, and watches the game. Then a drunk guy starts tugging on his shirt saying, "hey man come check this out." First guy says back to him "go away I'm busy." But the drunk guy still hassles him saying "Its the updraft. You have to try the updraft!" First guy maintains "Updraft? You need to quit drinking!"

Relentlessly, the drunk yanks the first guy off his barstool saying "C'mere I'll show you."

First guy says "oh fine" and walks over to the window with the drunk guy.

Drunk guy opens the window and explains, "You jump out, then the updraft takes you back up a couple floors. Then y'grab the fire escape and climb back inside. Easy huh?"

First guy not convinced, tells him "You're full of it."

Drunk says "Watch!", jumps out, falls, slows down, then actually starts moving awkwardly upwards, reaches for the fire escape, pulls himself in, and climbs back into the bar. "See? Its really fun!" he says.

First guy is astounded, says "Its real?!?" Damn! That really does look fun!"

Drunk guy eggs him on, "Go for it bro!"

And so, the first guy steps to the window, jumps, falls,

[Show spoiler]and slams into the pavement, definitely broken, probably dead. Drunk guy laughs a little, and awkwardly returns to the bar. The bartender angrily facepalming, growls,

[Show spoiler]"You're such an a$#0!# when you're drunk, Superman!"

Hahaha!!
Hilarious!

[Blu-Benny]

I got this one from How I Met Your Mother…but it’s hilarious none the less.

What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam??

[Show spoiler]you can’t peanut butter your d**k up a girls @$$

While juvenile, it’s still funny.

[SquidPuppet]

Originally Posted by scarriere

superman and lois lane had finally gotten married. One time, lois was out of the country for several days on assignment for the daily planet. Superman was out flying around metropolis on patrol when he spots wonder woman sunbathing in the nude on a rooftop. He says to himself "hmmm. I could swoop down there, have my way with her and take-off before she knew what happened.... No, i better not." and flies away.
A few days later he's out patrolling when again, he spots wonder woman sunbathing in the nude on a rooftop. He and lois haven't been together for quite a while now so he's feeling extremely frisky. "yeah, to heck with it" he says and swoops down and pounds away at her then flies off.
Wonder woman says "what the hell was that?!"

[Show spoiler]the invisible man says "i don't know, but it sure fricken hurt!!"

lol

[SquidPuppet]

Originally Posted by Musashi

Hope this doesn't get deleted like the last one, which had some good ones.

This guy goes into a restaurant located on an upper floor of a tall building. He takes a seat at the bar, orders beer, and watches the game. Then a drunk guy starts tugging on his shirt saying, "hey man come check this out." First guy says back to him "go away I'm busy." But the drunk guy still hassles him saying "Its the updraft. You have to try the updraft!" First guy maintains "Updraft? You need to quit drinking!"

Relentlessly, the drunk yanks the first guy off his barstool saying "C'mere I'll show you."

First guy says "oh fine" and walks over to the window with the drunk guy.

Drunk guy opens the window and explains, "You jump out, then the updraft takes you back up a couple floors. Then y'grab the fire escape and climb back inside. Easy huh?"

First guy not convinced, tells him "You're full of it."

Drunk says "Watch!", jumps out, falls, slows down, then actually starts moving awkwardly upwards, reaches for the fire escape, pulls himself in, and climbs back into the bar. "See? Its really fun!" he says.

First guy is astounded, says "Its real?!?" Damn! That really does look fun!"

Drunk guy eggs him on, "Go for it bro!"

And so, the first guy steps to the window, jumps, falls,

[Show spoiler]and slams into the pavement, definitely broken, probably dead. Drunk guy laughs a little, and awkwardly returns to the bar. The bartender angrily facepalming, growls,

[Show spoiler]"You're such an a$#0!# when you're drunk, Superman!"

Hee heeeeeeee heeeeee heeee damn funny

[Blu-Benny]

not so much a joke but a question:

in a room filled w/zombies and necrophiliacs....who does the chasing??

[ScarredLungs]

Originally Posted by Blu-Benny

not so much a joke but a question:

in a room filled w/zombies and necrophiliacs....who does the chasing??

It becomes a staring contest. Whoever blinks first loses.

Hahaha!
Can't remember so many good jokes at one place...Thanks for my mood, this thread has just made my day!
Awesome!

[Kali157]

A drunk man stumbles out of a bar and sees a nun walking down the street. All of a sudden, the drunk breaks into a full run towards her and slams his elbow to the back of her head.

As a crowd of shocked onlookers gathered, the drunk stands over the nun and screams:

[Show spoiler]"Not so tough now are you Batman?!"

[HorrorFan71]

From Hot Shots part duex-
A horse walks into a bar,and the bartender asks,why the long face?

A Pirate walks into a bar..Bartender exclaims "you have a steering wheel hanging out of your zipper..
Pirate says "Argh,I know,its driving me nuts!"

[JacobJeans]

At the movie theater there was a man laying across two seats. The usher comes down and says "Excuse me sir but you can only use one seat, I'm going to have to ask you to move." The man just grunts. The usher says again "Sir, if you don't move I will have to call the manager." Again the man just grunts. So the usher goes to get the manager. the manager says "Sir, if you don't move I will have to call the police, so I suggest you move". But once again the man only grunts. So the manager calls the police. The police come and say to the man "OK, what's your name?" The man replies "Joe" Then the police officer says "And Joe, where did you come from?" The man painfully answers, "the balcony

[kpkelley]

A Joke from Richard Branson:

A mother and her young son were flying on Virgin Australia, from Brisbane to Melbourne. The son turned to his mother and asked: “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?”

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant: “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, how come big planes don't have baby planes?”

The flight attendant responded: “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”

The boy admitted that this was the case.

“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Virgin Australia always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you."

[Grand Bob]

A few:

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe
that..... 2:30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my
bagpipes.

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how
do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up."

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she
was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my rear! Do you think I should
change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said
she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.