Brett Ranter No Longer Directing Conan!!

[GreenScar]

Hack director Brett Ratner might not have a chance to ruin the legacy of Conan after all. That’s right, the Rat has departed from the reboot due to scheduling issues. Producer Joe Gatta tells Empire:

The current plan is to being production on August 24th in Bulgaria, and as soon as they find a director, the search will be on for a star to play the iconic role.


Ratner revealed last month that he is close to going into production on a project titled Trump Heist, written by Ocean’s Eleven scribe Ted Griffin. Another action comedy, rumored to feature Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle and Chris Tucker as a group of employees of the Trump Tower who conspire to rip off the building’s residents. Sounds like a project better suited for his “talents”.

Ratner isn’t that he’s a bad director, he’s very serviceable, mediocre, and middle of the road. But the Rat’s films have been successful to the point that he’s being offered big franchise films, and that is where my issue with the director begins. I have no problem with the guy making another Rush Hour, the Hugh Heffner Story, or another middle of the road action movie. I just wish he would stay away from the Conans and Beverly Hills Cops.

[Riff Magnum]

It's too late, because Conan the Destroyer already ruined the Conan franchise. I dunno, Conan the Barbarian is gonna be hard to top. It, Predator, and Terminator were pretty much made for the Govenator and i can't see anyone else playing the role.

[jkwest]

Yes!!! Best news today!

[GreenScar]

This is how latinoreview reported the news (they always report Ratner stuff like this)

Happy Mother's Day! It's Another 'R' Rated Brett Ratner Update!!!!!!

Woooooooo! What is up, my homies! Brett Ratner here coming right back at your ugly little fat face with another Brett Ratner update! My good buddy and overall badass El Guapo called me up on the Ratner Ringer and asked me if I would update the fans on my participation in the Conan project. I love El Guapo because he can keep secrets. And I love Latinoreview because they have readers who serve me water at restaurants and shit. So I totally said I would give you awesome daddies another status update! Remember this kids, while other directors are off making movies and eating at The Ivy, I'm out banging hot *****es and high fiving all of you cool cats!

Before I update you guys, I have a totally rad story to share. I had a team of explorers come in to my mansion and see if they could help me find my kitchen, because if you'll remember from my last update, I had finally found the entrance to my house after being lost in it for months. So these explorer guys did a square footage survey and compared the total square footage of the land to what was built, and they found extra areas!

Check this out, I actually have a garden hidden in my garden that's built like the one in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, complete with a chocolate river! What the ****!! Where does the chocolate even come from??


Hell ya! I don't have to go to CVS ever again for candy!

Is that not sweet? Holy shit! Pun! Anyways, what was I talking about? I know I can get sidetracked by my great life, so I apologize for that. I know you dudes are probably reading this on your lunch break and I don't want "the man" yelling a you to hurry up and finish weed wacking the side section of that guy's backyard. F the man!

So ya, this magazine in England or Britain or whatever that country is that has the old queen, asked producer Joe Gatta about Conan. I remember when they asked me about Conan a long time ago. At first I wasn't sure what they were saying, because they spoke a really stupid form of English. They go, "Right, so who buggered off about that Conan lilly, mate?" I just started laughing so hard. Then they go, "Is he taking the piss out of this interview?" and I lost my shit and was on the floor. Man, you British guys are way out there with your pissing and drinking tea and eating crumpets and shit. I need to buy you ****ers a pizza or something.


You can't see me because I'm buried under this mound of *****.

Anyways, I responded the best way I knew how. WITH ABSOLUTE CONVICTION.

But Joe Gatta told them I wasn't doing Conan? Cracka what? For reals, yo. Check it out:

Empire magazine spoke to Conan and Red Sonja producer Joe Gatta today, and he had a few revelations to share about the upcoming films. Most importantly, it appears that Brett Ratner is currently off Conan, which he was expected to direct.


"We’re currently in the process of hiring a director," he told us. "For the past six months we were discussing the movie with Brett Ratner, and for more timing issues than anything else we had to part ways with Brett. We all wanted him to do it, believe me; just the timing didn’t work. But you never know what can happen."

What the ****? I was in Greece with like 7 playmates and my yacht ran out of gas in the middle of the ocean. All we had to survive on was champagne, caviar, and a six months supply of condoms. It was horrible! Man, Hollywood sucks.


Hugh Hefner? Total homo compared to me.

First off, nobody parts ways with Brett Ratner. Brett Ratner parts ways with you. I got more juice in this town than a ****ing Kool-Aid factory. You understand me Joe Gatta? You want me off Conan? You want your project to not include awesome fights, tons of hot *****es, a really cool soundtrack by Evanescence, kung fu fight scenes and that patented Ratner camera work?

Then burn in hell! All of you! Bret Ratner doesn't need you or Conan. In fact, I'm gonna make my own barbarian movie called Ronan and kick the shit out of your movie! I'm gonna double, nay, triple the body count! I'll make my barbarian so bad ass even his penis can hold a sword. Ya...ya, I can see it now...Ronan the Barbarian. All it takes is one phone call and this shit is written, cast and shot. Within three days this ****er will be showing in no less than 2,500 screens. Mother****ers.

Anyways, I guess that's what's going on. You can read the rest of the bullshit HERE.

But what about me? I know you guys are worried but you shouldn't be. My brain's working harder than an elementary school filled with retards in a science class. I got shit in the pipeline, don't you worry. I have Beverly Hills Cop and Youngblood and all kinds of cool shit. BRETT RATNER ALWAYS COMES THROUGH. ALWAYS.


IN. YOUR. FACE.

Alright, my bruthas. I'm out. I've vented long enough and I need to go back to finishing the half pipe I built in between my two Olympic sized pools. It's not easy being Brett Ratner, but I can't really complain. There's nobody else on God's green Earth that can do what I do.

I want to thank my close and personal best friend George "El Guapo" Roush for allowing me to update all of you super fantastic bad ass Latinoreview readers. I love each and every one of you.

See you in hell, Conan!

Love those guys over there!

[jkwest]

That was EPIC!!!! Those guys rock...

[jadedeath]

Originally Posted by DVDave

Bring Back John Milius The Great!!!!!!!!!!!

LOUD NOISES!!!

Logan

[WyldeMan45]

That LatinoReview article makes you think it's actually him, lol. That is exactly how much of a douche I image Ratner to be, and to hear he's off Conan, my god that is great news. Unless of course they cast John Cena in a wig as Conan than it's back to sucking the big one.

[iori]

I saw a Tony Robbins self help advertisement the other day and Brett Ratner was on there giving his testimony, I laughed.

[Porkchop Express]

Well deserved dancing banana

[jadedeath]

Originally Posted by JHM

I saw a Tony Robbins self help advertisement the other day and Brett Ratner was on there giving his testimony, I laughed.

What happened... was Uwe Boll busy?

Logan

[Beast]

That's too bad. I was looking forward to his take on Conan.

[WyldeMan45]

Originally Posted by Beast

That's too bad. I was looking forward to his take on Conan.

Why? Between Rush Hour and the worst of all the X-Men what made you think he could make a good Conan film?

[Rblu-Dblu]

C'mon!!!! Brett Ratner isnt half as bad as Uwe Boll!

[WyldeMan45]

Originally Posted by Rblu-Dblu

C'mon!!!! Brett Ratner isnt half as bad as Uwe Boll!

But even by that statement, he's only half as much better, and that ain't saying much when you're already scraping the bottom of the barrel.

[Beast]

Originally Posted by WyldeMan45

Why? Between Rush Hour and the worst of all the X-Men what made you think he could make a good Conan film?

You mean the 2nd best X-Men film. X3 is way better than XMO:W and X1.

[WyldeMan45]

Originally Posted by Beast

You mean the 2nd best X-Men film. X3 is way better than XMO:W and X1.

You would only think that cause you're in it. That's not very objective.

[Beast]

Originally Posted by WyldeMan45

You would only think that cause you're in it. That's not very objective.

No. I think that because it's true. His Red Dragon is also a fantastic film.

[WyldeMan45]

Originally Posted by Beast

No. I think that because it's true. His Red Dragon is also a fantastic film.

We must just agree to disagree on your entire statement. All he did was remake Manhunter just about scene for scene.

[Beast]

Originally Posted by WyldeMan45

We must just agree to disagree on your entire statement. All he did was remake Manhunter just about scene for scene.

No. No he didn't. There's a lot of differences between the two films.

In fact, Manhunter is a terrible film. Where as Red Dragon is fantastic.

In the end, it is another adaption of the source novel. Not a remake.

And Red Dragon is a great deal closer to the novel than Manhunter is.

[jadedeath]

Originally Posted by Rblu-Dblu

C'mon!!!! Brett Ratner isnt half as bad as Uwe Boll!

You're right, he's 3/4 as bad as Uwe Boll.

Logan