How do you guys have the time to raise kids?

[wilky61]

I'm in the first couple weeks of a one-year Master's program for a teaching degree and certification, but already a concern is starting to grow on me. My girlfriend with whom I kinda-expect to start a family is going to be a lawyer, and I'm afraid that the rigor of our careers is going to affect our ability to parent children... I'm starting to view teaching, more specifically teaching in an urban school, as a 24/7 job; it's far from getting home at 3pm every day and many days she might get home before me.

I want to be the best teacher I can possibly be, but I think that this is going to come at the expense of my parenting (or vice-versa). I want to be that teacher who goes to his kids' sports events to cheer them on, who potentially makes house visits to involve the parents and to demonstrate my sincerity of purpose/earn their trust, basically who completely devotes himself to his students. And I'm worried about the sacrifices that I'd have to make either way and finding my balance between the two; I'm worried about not having the time or energy to do both and be the best. And honestly, I think it's more important to me to be an effective teacher than to be a parent.

What do you guys have to say on the issue of finding balance?

[Johnny Vinyl]

Originally Posted by wilky61

I'm in the first couple weeks of a one-year Master's program for a teaching degree and certification, but already a concern is starting to grow on me. My girlfriend with whom I kinda-expect to start a family is going to be a lawyer, and I'm afraid that the rigor of our careers is going to affect our ability to parent children... I'm starting to view teaching, more specifically teaching in an urban school, as a 24/7 job; it's far from getting home at 3pm every day and many days she might get home before me.

I want to be the best teacher I can possibly be, but I think that this is going to come at the expense of my parenting (or vice-versa). I want to be that teacher who goes to his kids' sports events to cheer them on, who potentially makes house visits to involve the parents and to demonstrate my sincerity of purpose/earn their trust, basically who completely devotes himself to his students. And I'm worried about the sacrifices that I'd have to make either way and finding my balance between the two; I'm worried about not having the time or energy to do both and be the best. And honestly, I think it's more important to me to be an effective teacher than to be a parent.

What do you guys have to say on the issue of finding balance?

John

[wilky61]

Originally Posted by John72953

John

I guess to put it succinctly, I had a miserable home/family experience growing up, I'm not very confident about entering into the realm myself, and I'm not so sure of the world into which I'd be bringing kids anyway. In general, I'm terrified of responsibility, and there is no bigger responsibility in life (imo) than that of the husband and father.

However, teaching is something about which I'm getting really excited, and I feel like everything I've ever done in my life has prepared me for it. One of my bigger strengths is that I think I'm good at considering the perspective of other people.

My girlfriend thinks it's confusing that I want to teach kids but that I don't want to raise kids. I'm not so sure, and some of my best teachers were unmarried and without kids, etc. She says I'm not going to be able to relate to parents/kids and that I might face awkward "Do you have kids of your own? So what do you know?" situations. A part of me says that I would be perfectly happy going through life, though, without kids of my own because of my students (~140 each year) and hopefully-lifelong relationships I'd be forging with them.

Lotta conflicts at me for this stage in my life, I guess... Hence my asking for yall's wisdom and experience.

[Blu-Benny]

if u have kids, u can't half ass it.

yeah u have to work and be able to take care of your family, but don't work so much that you miss their childhood!!!

my oldest is 4 and my youngest 2 and i can remember the day my oldest was born like it was yesterday.

time flies when u have little ones.

my day is working man from 8-5 and then dad from 5:30 till they go to bed.

i get time for me or w/my wife after the kids are in bed.

one thing u can't be is selfish when u have kids. yeah i want time for myself but i love spending time w/my kids as well.

u gotta figure out what's more important.

[crackinhedz]

as a first time parent let me just say...you will find the time!

You sound like a very dedicated teacher, and obviously you must like kids!

When its your own child, it doesn't matter. You will find the time.







....you might be in your 60's before you get a good nights sleep, but still you'll find the time.

[Psybits]

that's what grand parents are for /jk

[Beta Man]

Managing the time is like learning to swim........ just get thrown into the deep end, and start flailing your arms/legs

[pentatonic]

It's actually not complicated, you either want some or not, once you're honest with yourself, decide, whichever decision you make, you will make it work, as long as you're honest with your wants.

[crxvtec]

First off, you sound like the kind of teacher this country needs, badly. Having 4 kids, I really appreciate a teacher that cares.
2nd, I have 4 kids and a full time job that has a schedule that changes every week. My wife works a mon-fri job. It was pretty easy raising 2 kids last year but we had twins last August and it has been about as rough as we expected. Yet, we still find time to do things with them. When you have kids things do change but you learn and soon realize that it's not that hard and is an awesome experience. As I am typing my twins are all over me, I love it

[wilky61]

Originally Posted by crxvtec

First off, you sound like the kind of teacher this country needs, badly. Having 4 kids, I really appreciate a teacher that cares.
2nd, I have 4 kids and a full time job that has a schedule that changes every week. My wife works a mon-fri job. It was pretty easy raising 2 kids last year but we had twins last August and it has been about as rough as we expected. Yet, we still find time to do things with them. When you have kids things do change but you learn and soon realize that it's not that hard and is an awesome experience. As I am typing my twins are all over me, I love it

My girlfriend had always wanted 5-6 kids (what girl wants to go through six pregnancies?), but I was able to convince her that that probably was NOT realistic given our career choices.

[SleeperAgent]

On average in America I'd have to say most kids are only raised to about 4, then the TV picks up the slack for 8 years. Then the internet takes over. At least, that's how it seems to me.

[PrivatePixel]

Originally Posted by wilky61

I guess to put it succinctly, I had a miserable home/family experience growing up, I'm not very confident about entering into the realm myself, and I'm not so sure of the world into which I'd be bringing kids anyway. In general, I'm terrified of responsibility, and there is no bigger responsibility in life (imo) than that of the husband and father.

The experiences and concerns that you have are no different than mine (regarding personal upbringing, uncertain future, shouldering responsibilities of fatherhood, etc.)

The female members of my family tell me that you'll have a different perspective of parenthood once you become one, when you're entrusted with taking care of your very own; the response isn't quite the same from the men. At least one has admitted that he didn't want kids, but he has come to accept his role when his wife became pregnant. As I see it, accepting something isn't the same as embracing it.

Having kids entail personal sacrifices (financial, emotional, chronological), and those obligations don't end when they become adults. The question then becomes: are you willing to make that lifelong commitment? If you can answer this without hesitation or trepidation, you have your answer.

My girlfriend thinks it's confusing that I want to teach kids but that I don't want to raise kids. I'm not so sure, and some of my best teachers were unmarried and without kids, etc. She says I'm not going to be able to relate to parents/kids and that I might face awkward "Do you have kids of your own? So what do you know?" situations. A part of me says that I would be perfectly happy going through life, though, without kids of my own because of my students (~140 each year) and hopefully-lifelong relationships I'd be forging with them.

To me, the definition of a teacher is someone who is willing to share/impart their knowledge and experiences to others; it just so happens that your intended audience will be younger than you. I don't see the correlation between being a parent and being an effective communicator, i.e. you don't become a better or more respected teacher by virtue of being a parent. Developing a greater sense of empathy does not materialize as soon as you become a parent of your own. If you want to relate to your audience, a minor in child psychology could be beneficial in identifying and dealing with challenges.

[wilky61]

Originally Posted by PrivatePixel

Having kids entail personal sacrifices (financial, emotional, chronological), and those obligations don't end when they become adults. The question then becomes: are you willing to make that lifelong commitment? If you can answer this without hesitation or trepidation, you have your answer.

I really don't think I want to, but if I were to want to, then I have lucked into a relationship with the perfect woman. She's worked in daycares for more than a decade and a wonderful family whom I pretty much view as the family I never had. I'm definitely terrified at the idea of becoming a father; I just don't want to f*** it up. I guess hardly any man is prepared to become a father the day that it happens... Ultimately, she and I wouldn't be looking at kids for at least ~7 years because she'll be in law school for the next four, and that would give me a long time to get used to my career. But whether I want to become the father of her children is something I have to decide relatively soon (or at least before a proposal).

To me, the definition of a teacher is someone who is willing to share/impart their knowledge and experiences to others; it just so happens that your intended audience will be younger than you. I don't see the correlation between being a parent and being an effective communicator, i.e. you don't become a better or more respected teacher by virtue of being a parent. Developing a greater sense of empathy does not materialize as soon as you become a parent of your own. If you want to relate to your audience, a minor in child psychology could be beneficial in identifying and dealing with challenges.

I completely agree with your assessment. She doesn't see it this way.

[tilallr1]

Look ... I am not sure what your personal outlook on life is. But mine has always been NO REGRETS. Personally, I believe that I would have really regretted not having children latter in life. Especially once the career is over. Then what will you have. An empty house. But that could be fun too.

Like I said, depends on your own personal outlook and whether you or your girlfriend/wife will regret the decision and/or can live with it later in life.

[CYMBOL]

There is no easy way out here - it's hard work and dedication.

I will tell you one thing - choose your job over your kids - your kids will be miserable. And they'll act out - and it will become a cycle that feeds itself.

"My kids are terrible, I'll spend less time with them".
Kids act out more.
"Wow! Glad I made the choice to not waste my time on these kids".
Kids act out more.
"My kids in class who I pay attention to respect me so much more than my own kids, I wonder why???"

Trust me, I feel you. I'm in the Air Force - wasn't even able to be here for the birth of my last son. We're all busy.

It isn't easy and it won't get easier - but if you take the time to enjoy your kids and that once in a lifetime experience of teaching them about the world (it's their first time here) - you won't regret it. Don't do it, and you will regret it, in countless ways.

Your jobs will take a hit, but you and your wife have a responsibility now. Be a man, face it head on - that's what you would want from your parents.

Imagine showing this thread you created to your kids 10 years from now - how proud of it do you think you will be?

Good luck.

[Moefiz]

OP...there is noway around it...once kids come into the picture its while different world out there and its not an easy one.
You have to find the time in your day to spend with them, showing them right from wrong and most of all letting them know that you are there for them no matter what

Its a 24 hr job with no pay BUT walk thru the front door after a shitty day from work and have your son or daughter yells "Dad" and runs to you and give you a big hug...payment enough right there.

[Nielsb90]

Why in such a hurry? Finish your studies and make your decision later

[Fors*]

Whatever you do, both of you need to be 100% committed to having kids. If she is 100% and you are not, it will catch up to you in one way or another and may effect not just you and your wife.

First, without actually having kids, it is tough for you to really interpret how you will feel about this subject once you do. In an instant, your priorities can change, and you might find yourself completely opposite of how you feel now. I think the most important thing for you and your future wife/mother of your kids is to be a team. You HAVE to support one another, 100% of the time. You can't undermine the other just to get them to cooperate for you. My wife says and does things I do not agree with, but I support her beliefs, and I know there are things she doesn't agree with me, but never goes against what I do or say either.

My wife is a teacher, and she is often at school late, or has conferences, school activities, etc....so yes, that means I have to do everything on those occassions. However, in turn, I may want to go out with my friends and have a beer every once in a while, and she will take care of the kids when I am gone. Work for me is always 8-5, so I am always home at night, and put off doing ALOT of things when I am home until the kids are asleep (like ever watching a movie.) My kids are 5 and 15 months, and my 5 yr old daughter is actually a big help when needed.

Bottom line, is you need to be committed 100%, the both of you. Your feelings may change on how you have your priority of importance set up, and if it does, you will find yourself making the time for them. Yes, you will sacrifice things you want to do for your career or yourself, but your kids should always come first. It stinks, but there are other rewards you will get over time from your kids that will be much more lasting than the times you could have gone out and do things for school work or your buddies. My kids have grown so fast already, but nothing beats the moment I walk in the door and my 5 year old daughter runs up to me screaming "daddy" or when my 15 months walks with a bumbling and stumbling walk to me with the biggest smile on his face and then rests his head against my shoulder when I pick him up and give him a big hug. I not only look forward to it each day when I come home, but it is a must for me. That is my reward.

Good luck with whatever you choose!

[tilallr1]

Originally Posted by Fors*

Whatever you do, both of you need to be 100% committed to having kids. If she is 100% and you are not, it will catch up to you in one way or another and may effect not just you and your wife.

First, without actually having kids, it is tough for you to really interpret how you will feel about this subject once you do. In an instant, your priorities can change, and you might find yourself completely opposite of how you feel now. I think the most important thing for you and your future wife/mother of your kids is to be a team. You HAVE to support one another, 100% of the time. You can't undermine the other just to get them to cooperate for you. My wife says and does things I do not agree with, but I support her beliefs, and I know there are things she doesn't agree with me, but never goes against what I do or say either.

My wife is a teacher, and she is often at school late, or has conferences, school activities, etc....so yes, that means I have to do everything on those occassions. However, in turn, I may want to go out with my friends and have a beer every once in a while, and she will take care of the kids when I am gone. Work for me is always 8-5, so I am always home at night, and put off doing ALOT of things when I am home until the kids are asleep (like ever watching a movie.) My kids are 5 and 15 months, and my 5 yr old daughter is actually a big help when needed.

Bottom line, is you need to be committed 100%, the both of you. Your feelings may change on how you have your priority of importance set up, and if it does, you will find yourself making the time for them. Yes, you will sacrifice things you want to do for your career or yourself, but your kids should always come first. It stinks, but there are other rewards you will get over time from your kids that will be much more lasting than the times you could have gone out and do things for school work or your buddies. My kids have grown so fast already, but nothing beats the moment I walk in the door and my 5 year old daughter runs up to me screaming "daddy" or when my 15 months walks with a bumbling and stumbling walk to me with the biggest smile on his face and then rests his head against my shoulder when I pick him up and give him a big hug. I not only look forward to it each day when I come home, but it is a must for me. That is my reward.

Good luck with whatever you choose!

[Go Blue]

Originally Posted by Fors*

Whatever you do, both of you need to be 100% committed to having kids. If she is 100% and you are not, it will catch up to you in one way or another and may effect not just you and your wife.

First, without actually having kids, it is tough for you to really interpret how you will feel about this subject once you do. In an instant, your priorities can change, and you might find yourself completely opposite of how you feel now. I think the most important thing for you and your future wife/mother of your kids is to be a team. You HAVE to support one another, 100% of the time. You can't undermine the other just to get them to cooperate for you. My wife says and does things I do not agree with, but I support her beliefs, and I know there are things she doesn't agree with me, but never goes against what I do or say either.

My wife is a teacher, and she is often at school late, or has conferences, school activities, etc....so yes, that means I have to do everything on those occassions. However, in turn, I may want to go out with my friends and have a beer every once in a while, and she will take care of the kids when I am gone. Work for me is always 8-5, so I am always home at night, and put off doing ALOT of things when I am home until the kids are asleep (like ever watching a movie.) My kids are 5 and 15 months, and my 5 yr old daughter is actually a big help when needed.

Bottom line, is you need to be committed 100%, the both of you. Your feelings may change on how you have your priority of importance set up, and if it does, you will find yourself making the time for them. Yes, you will sacrifice things you want to do for your career or yourself, but your kids should always come first. It stinks, but there are other rewards you will get over time from your kids that will be much more lasting than the times you could have gone out and do things for school work or your buddies. My kids have grown so fast already, but nothing beats the moment I walk in the door and my 5 year old daughter runs up to me screaming "daddy" or when my 15 months walks with a bumbling and stumbling walk to me with the biggest smile on his face and then rests his head against my shoulder when I pick him up and give him a big hug. I not only look forward to it each day when I come home, but it is a must for me. That is my reward.

Good luck with whatever you choose!

Great post Fors. I have a 3 and 1 year old. It is very tough if you and your spouse both work full time. After my second was born, my wife had to go to part time. As you might imagine, time for yourself and sleep is minimal, but you get used to it. I can't believe how much I love my kids, but you have to be ready and willing to change your life. Good luck buddy.