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In 1990, author Ian Frazier wrote a piece of fiction for The New Yorker titled 'Coyote v. Acme', imagining a lawsuit brought about by the character against the Acme Company who provided him with various devices and tools to aid his pursuit of Road Runner. The devices frequently malfunctioned, leading to the humorous failures, injuries, and sight gags Road Runner cartoons are known for.
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This?
******* Wile E. Coyote vs. ACME *******
IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT, SOUTHWESTERN DISTRICT, TEMPE,
ARIZONA
CASE NO. B19294, JUDGE JOAN KUJAVA, PRESIDING
Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff
-v.-
Acme Company, Defendant
Opening Statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:
My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous
states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company,
manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise,
incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district,
and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries,
loss of business income, and mental suffering causes as a direct result
of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15
of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a),
relating to product liability.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has
purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that
company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him
bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary
labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are
at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such
injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his
ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is
self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via
parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to
use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of
the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate
and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr.
Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such
sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a
length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot
forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck
and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled.
Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing
jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote
abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered
sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this
maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the
Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly
thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and
Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B),
prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple
fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a
result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full
bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or
partial casts of all four legs.
Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to
support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid
to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use
this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably
similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant
sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached
powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with
little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy
casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after
strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard to violently
as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this
document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of
Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided
Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order
Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered in evidence as
Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive
purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner.
To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal
effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden
trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around
it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The
trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the
type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point
of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of
birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb
(Catalog #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey,
seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the
fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb
to detonate.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to
naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the
following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle
in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking,
frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We now come to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of
these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D.
Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories
of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to
date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and
extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is
simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to
milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a
tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release.
Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon
his prey in the initial moments of his chase, when swift reflexes are
at a premium.
To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote
affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent
to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to
frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the woon-and-metal sandals
and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the
lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed
appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped
near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension.
Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the
lanyard release.
At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote
forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown,
the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote.
As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in
air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent
feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head of
forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.
The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon
Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed.
The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to
bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding
to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the
boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came
into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process
continued for some time.
The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr.
Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the
tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of
vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a
vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr.
Coyote's body tissues - a rare and painful condition which caused Mr.
Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked,
and to emit an off-key, accordion-like wheezing with every step. The
distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major
impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.
As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of
manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our
contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the
detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching
powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and
two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust
Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply
to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in
Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant
company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and
wrongful manner over and over again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger
economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of
seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages
(missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional
occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering,
injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of
seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages:
Thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure
Defendant, its directory, officers, shareholders, successors, and
assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right
of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.
----------------------------------------------------------
CIVIL ACTION NO. B19294
OPENING STATEMENT OF ARTHUR B. FUDDLE, ESQUIRE, COUNSEL FOR DEFENDANT
By Mr. Fuddle:
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury: the opening statement you have just
heard from Mr. Schoff on behalf of the plaintiff, Wile E. Coyote,
paints an incomplete picture of what occurred on the occasions when Mr.
Coyote claims he was injured by ACME products.
The evidence will clearly show that my client, ACME Products Corp., a
Division of Dangerously Innovative Products and Patents Incorporated
(or "DIPPI") is not at fault in this matter, and that any injuries
sustained by the plaintiff were clearly caused by his own negligence,
assumption of the risk and/or misuse of the products.
Now, we have all seen the footage on television of the plaintiff
withstanding various injuries which appear to be caused by ACME's
products. You have seen over and over the tape of a hapless coyote
being bludgeoned by a boulder as he is helplessly trapped by his ACME
Spring Loaded Shoes. We have all seen the photographs taken at Warner
Memorial Hospital of Mr. Coyote in a very small incubator, on life
support, as his doctors attempt to straighten out the accordion-like
folds from his body. We have all seen the gruesome images of the
operation in which Dr. Tasmania D. Devil whirls like a dervish,
obscuring his features and creating a starry, "dust cloud" effect,
while numerous limbs holding various surgical instruments swiftly
repair the nerve damage to Mr. Coyote's extremities.
It is normal for any human being to feel pity, horror, and even anger
at such images. I want you to put those images aside for the moment,
because they paint an incomplete picture. What the media has not
disclosed to you, and what you will see in this courtroom, are various
attempts at murder committed by the plaintiff - attempts which,
fortunately, failed - while using my client's products. As the
plaintiff readily admits, he is a predator, and his sole function in
life is to track down and kill an innocent, highway traversing
ornithoid.
You see, ladies and gentleman, while the plaintiff is a natural
predator, he is not a very good one. His own skills were inadequate to
complete the task at hand, so he chose to seek the aid of various
devices to effectuate his diabolic schemes. He looked in a catalogue,
saw my client's products, and ordered them in the hope that they would
assist him in killing his prey.
But ladies and gentleman, ACME's products are not meant to cause
intentional harm to anyone. The plaintiff has taken what were designed
as amusements, toys for the young and feeble-minded, and has twisted
their use to his own purposes.
But I digress. Let us examine the plaintiff's claims and how the
evidence clearly refutes the proposition that ACME is responsible for
any harm sustained by the plaintiff.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13 he received an ACME Rocket Sled,
that he attempted to use said rocket sled to pursue his prey, and that,
upon igniting the sled, it accelerated with "sudden and precipitate
force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet."
There are several reasons why ACME cannot be held responsible for any
injuries caused by this incident. First, the warning label attached
conspicuously to the inside of the left front tire of the sled clearly
stated, and I quote: "WARNING: IGNITION OF THIS DEVICE AT FULL THROTTLE
MAY CAUSE SUDDEN AND PRECIPITATE FORCE AS TO STRETCH USER'S FORELIMBS
TO A LENGTH OF UP TO SIXTY FEET, OR MAY CAUSE DEATH." That the
plaintiff suffered so little as a result of his carelessness can be
attributed only to Providence.
Second, Arizona law is clear on this point: a plaintiff who is found to
be violating any law whose purpose is safety at the time of his injury
is contributory negligent *per se*. There is ample evidence that Mr.
Coyote was violating both the laws of gravity and inertia at the time
of this incident, and thus he is responsible for his own woes.
I could list many more examples of Mr. Coyote's negligent conduct in
connection with his use of ACME's products, but you will hear all about
them as the trial goes on. You will also hear the following evidence:
* (1) You will hear the plaintiff himself testify that, prior to the
injuries complained of in this accident, he has suffered
numerous injuries. As an example, on one occasion prior to the
use of any ACME product, the plaintiff cornered his prey on the
edge of a rather thin precipice. Taking an ordinary saw, the
plaintiff began cutting away so that the edge of the cliff, with
his prey on it, would drop some 1500 feet to a jagged, rocky
destruction. Instead, by some inexplicable twist of fate the
edge of the cliff remained standing while the whole mountain, on
which the plaintiff was standing, plummeted to the bottom of the
ravine, causing numerous injuries which affect the plaintiff to
this day.
On another occasion, Mr. Coyote was chasing his prey and
followed it off of the edge of a cliff onto thin air, not
realizing until too late that his prey, a bird, could remain in
the air almost indefinitely while he, a canine, could not. As a
result, he fell yet again, suffering even further severe and
debilitating injuries which predate the injuries complained of
in this action.
* (2) You will also hear the testimony of Mr. Road Runner, the
plaintiff's prey and the true victim in this tragedy. Mr.
Runner has been forced to live a nomadic lifestyle as a result
of Mr. Coyote's unwanted attention, preventing him from forming
any type of long term relationships. Numerous restraining orders
had no effect. Mr. Runner has also suffered numerous
psychological problems as a result of Mr. Coyote's actions,
including but not limited to an inability to trust anyone who
provides him with bird seed, a necessary ingredient in his daily
nutritional schedule.
* (3) You will also hear from a witness to many of the incidents
alleged in plaintiff's complaint, a colorful local prospector
with red hair and mustache who has been known to proclaim: "No
rootin' tootin' coyote can outsmart Yosemite Sam on any day of
the week!"
Don't be fooled by his gruff manner and twin pearl-handled
six-shooters, he's a pussycat.
* (4) Customer service records of defendant ACME, which we were forced
to produce in this matter, clearly show that none of the
complaints registered by ACME's customers nation-wide have ever
resulted in criminal convictions of the officers of the
* (5) Finally, videotape evidence will demonstrate that plaintiff
faked many of his injuries, setting out to create performances
especially for a jury such as yourself. On numerous occasions he
would "mug" for the camera, as if he was well aware beforehand
that he was being taped. For instance, during the "Rocket Sled"
incident, as his forelimbs were stretched out ahead of him and
his body remained behind, he looked straight into the camera
with a forlorn, tired expression, as if to say: "look at how
terrible my situation is, can you guess what's going to happen
to me now."
This jury is too smart to fall for such petty theatrics.
In summary, ladies and gentlemen, it will be clear to you from the
evidence that ACME's products, if used properly, will cause only
minimal injuries to a user and his loved ones. The plaintiff in this
case has brought his troubles upon himself by adopting his carnivorous
lifestyle. As others have so adequately uttered: "Live by the Super
Slick Jet Propulsion Automated Explosive Metal-Shearing Heat-Seeking
Laser-Guided Razor-Edged Boomerang, die by the Super Slick, etc."
I ask you, on behalf of my client, to dismiss the plaintiff's claims
against it.
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Coyote Vs. Acme (2026)
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But given the title and the fact it's a full length feature, you might get what you're hoping for.
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