Do Women Have a Big Problem With All Unemployed Men?
I'm not asking this to verify my failures in life, or stroke my own ego - I seriously want to know the truth about this and why, because its confused and frustrated me for years.
My beloved mother (RIP) used to tell me all the time, "Women don't like things that don't work, and that includes men." At first, I brushed this idea off, since I was a kid when she started saying it and I didn't fully grasp her point. But as I grew up, and repeatedly failed to both have a job and attract a woman, I began to live in very real terror that my Mom was right, and I'd always be alone.
Now, to better understand this, I need to clarify some things. There's two main reasons I am not currently employed. The first is that I have epilepsy, and I take medicine every day so I don't suffer debilitating seizures. As a result, I've been on government assistance since 2002, but the Feds have told me that if I start working, any money I earn significantly lessens my benefits. The second reason is that I also was born with a form of autism known as Asperger's Syndrome, though I wasn't actually diagnosed until I was 33 years old. But the way my doctor explained it at the time, the condition is hardwired into the brain, meaning there is no cure. It has many different symptoms and no two people are alike, but there are common factors. One is having an extensive vocabulary, which I definitely possess. Another is being extremely focused on areas of special interest, almost to the point of obsession; guilty here as well. Yet another is an inability to comprehend many non-verbal means of communication, such as facial expressions or different shifts in vocal tone. To compensate, I often gesture when I speak, similar to Doc Brown in Back to the Future. Finally, I also tend to take many remarks from people very literally, struggling at times with various speech forms like subtle sarcasm or crass humor (I always know the latter bothers me, but can't often explain why).
How does all of this apply? Well, my Mom was a workaholic herself, who constantly lived in fear of being poor. To the best of my knowledge, she'd only had three committed relationships in her lifetime. The first was to the brother of her father's second wife; his name was Chris. I don't know how long they were together, but she cared about him a great deal. He died from an epileptic seizure at an early age, which must have traumatized her. So when I began suffering from the same thing, it probably triggered a new form of emotional hell for her. Her second relationship was with my Dad, but she was under the impression she was barren so they didn't bother using protection. When she told him she was pregnant, he felt manipulated and left; I didn't meet him until I was 12, and he passed from Alzheimer's in 2021. Mom's last attempt at happiness actually resulted in marriage, but everyone in the family warned her not to go through with it. After about two years, they had my sister Lauren...but shortly after he decided their union was a mistake and also left. So there my mother was, aged 24 with two kids and no real support to speak of. Its no surprise why she spent the rest of her life chasing the almighty dollar, but due to my own differences I often failed to understand any of it. Because of that, she started thinking I was purposely lazy during my teens, and no matter how I tried to reassure her I was not she didn't believe me. Once I got diagnosed with autism and explained some of the effects, she seemed to regret all the fights we had, but we didn't have enough time to heal from those wounds completely. She'd become sick with various illnesses when I reached my late 20s, and was gone before my 35th birthday.
So, that's enough of my story for now - what's your variety of stances on this, ladies? Was my Mom right? Am I crazy, or just a special case? I've only had one relationship myself, and it ended horribly in 2006 (and no, unemployment was not the main contributing factor).
A man with a job gives women security, it also shows that he has aspirations which is a huge attraction for them. But I'm sorry for your health issues.
Yeah, typically women don't want a man who's a schlub. By that I mean a guy who has no job, no car, no ambitions or goals, and no future. They may claim or act like it's not a big deal if a man doesn't have a job or a lot of money, but they are just lying about that. It's pretty clear that if you don't have what it takes or don't fit the standards placed on you/men, then you better start getting used to life alone. Or you better learn to blow real quick and get some air into that girlfriend. She ain't go to blow herself up. But anyway, I don't think it is a trait mainly associated with women, per se. It's pretty commonplace with men who are attracted to men. They have a set of standards and if you don't fit them, then you too need to start blowing. I guess that may be why the whole industry of real life se- dolls is so big. There are a lot men on both sides who probably prefer not to put up with all that crap. I don't blame them really. Even if you do fit a lot of the standards (or the big ones at least), you have to put up with all that incessant bullshit that comes along with people.
"And being alone is the
Is the best way to be
When I'm by myself
It's the best way to be
When I'm all alone
It's the best way to be
When I'm by myself
Nobody else can say goodbye"
I think women can sense insecurity very easily. This includes worrying about how you look to a woman that you don't really know or much at all. A confident person tends to project themselves with a different light in a woman's eyes......once I decided to no longer give a crap about what other people think in anything I do.....things have become much easier to me with women. And as you start to successfully navigate things, you only become more confident over time.
So, the question do woman have a problem with an unemployed man begins with that man feeling insecure not having a job and worrying what the woman might think.......let it go. Be yourself, job or no job....it doesn't change who you are....or at least it shouldn't.
I think women can sense insecurity very easily. This includes worrying about how you look to a woman that you don't really know or much at all. A confident person tends to project themselves with a different light in a woman's eyes......once I decided to no longer give a crap about what other people think in anything I do.....things have become much easier to me with women. And as you start to successfully navigate things, you only become more confident over time.
So, the question do woman have a problem with an unemployed man begins with that man feeling insecure not having a job and worrying what the woman might think.......let it go. Be yourself, job or no job....it doesn't change who you are....or at least it shouldn't.
Well, one other problem for me is that I've never had a conventional "date" to speak of in my life. Truth be told, if a fight with my Mom over perceived laziness hadn't landed me in a homeless shelter 24 years ago, its very likely I never would've had a girlfriend, and for the most part she was the one who started a lot of it between us. We were platonic friends for a short while, and then I fell in love with her because she was so sweet to me. But I was terrified of my own hormones plus any possibility of rejection, and it wasn't until she kissed me one night in the bed of a pickup truck, that the overall insanity started. Truth be told, I adored her with all my being, and would've done almost anything for her. But we both made lots of mistakes, which led to several arguments, and eventually a final breakup in 2006. I spent more than ten years after that, lost in my own grief and not knowing how to escape it. I'm 44 now, and even though I've accepted the fact that she's gone from my life, I still think about her a lot. I know I want and need to move on, for my relational future to have any hope. But I don't want any woman I try to trust feeling like she's fighting with a ghost, either.
Most likely your only hope of getting a woman is if she is also unemployed and on disability.
I mean it’s difficult enough for many men today that are employed and not disabled to get a woman. For someone in your situation, it’s even that more difficult.
I think women can sense insecurity very easily. This includes worrying about how you look to a woman that you don't really know or much at all. A confident person tends to project themselves with a different light in a woman's eyes......once I decided to no longer give a crap about what other people think in anything I do.....things have become much easier to me with women. And as you start to successfully navigate things, you only become more confident over time.
So, the question do woman have a problem with an unemployed man begins with that man feeling insecure not having a job and worrying what the woman might think.......let it go. Be yourself, job or no job....it doesn't change who you are....or at least it shouldn't.
It’s hard to be confident when you have people constantly pointing out your quirks or flaws. Buddy of mine mocks the way I laugh every chance he gets, which makes me self conscious. Another one keeps track of how much hair I’m losing and gives me a play by play. How is someone supposed to exude confidence if you’re surrounded by insensitive jerks all the time?
I'm employed and make decent income, yet women don't come chasing after me. I don't know. Maybe because I look poor?
You must not have any of the other qualities that women/men are looking for. It's not enough these days to have money and a job. Unless you're stinking filthy rich. However, money and a job are the two most important ones. You might have all the other qualities they're looking for, but if you don't have money or a job they'll pass you over. It's really weird how that works. I've given up on the whole thing. There's very little women/men can do that I can't already do by myself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fors*
I think women can sense insecurity very easily. This includes worrying about how you look to a woman that you don't really know or much at all. A confident person tends to project themselves with a different light in a woman's eyes......once I decided to no longer give a crap about what other people think in anything I do.....things have become much easier to me with women. And as you start to successfully navigate things, you only become more confident over time.
So, the question do woman have a problem with an unemployed man begins with that man feeling insecure not having a job and worrying what the woman might think.......let it go. Be yourself, job or no job....it doesn't change who you are....or at least it shouldn't.
I totally agree. The problem for me is that I have no choice in being anything other than me. Having Autism makes sure of that. I couldn't be any other way if I wanted to. I know that no one would give me a passing glance. Much less go out with me. I'm too much damaged goods for anyone. That's ok. I don't need that aspect of a relationship in my life.
Love conquers all. When you find the right person, none of this superficial crap matters. You just want to be together. Then the real work starts. Being in a relationship takes work. Once that happens, many people take off instead of figuring it out. I have 37 years with the same person that proves I'm right.
It’s hard to be confident when you have people constantly pointing out your quirks or flaws. Buddy of mine mocks the way I laugh every chance he gets, which makes me self conscious. Another one keeps track of how much hair I’m losing and gives me a play by play. How is someone supposed to exude confidence if you’re surrounded by insensitive jerks all the time?
Your buddy's comments reflect more about them and who they are than yourself. You giving any additional time or thought to what they say only validates those comments. I am bald, did I give a crap what anyone pointed out to me when I lost my hair? No.....I owned it and accepted it as a part of me (I had long hair when it started to fall out, so I shaved my head).....I am still who I am, hair or no hair.
I have since grown my beard to over 12 inches long.....and many women have said it is too much. But I love my beard. I have red hair, I take care of it and have gotten tons of compliments. I shaved it once and regretted it right away.....I am who I am and my beard is a part of that. If a woman doesn't like it, who cares. I will meet someone who does like it and I have, may times.
I am twice divorced, bald, long beard, 57 years old and I have LOTR memorabilia all over my living room (look at my gallery).....a lot of signs that I am basically an old single guy (single father no less, as my 15 yr old son lives with me) who is geeky and/or nerdy. But I like who I am...and the woman I am now dating knows the LOTR story and books better than me (met her at a bar no less).....validating everything in my eyes.
^ I actually don't give a hoot how I'm perceived by others in terms of appearance but it saddens me to know that I'm likely never going to appeal to a younger woman because many of them are so vain and full of themselves - only looking for physical attributes and financial status. The common belief that many young women look for "life experience" when searching for a better half is just a myth lol. It hasn't hit most young folks that looks fade away and someday they're going to be old and feeble too.
Older women (women as old as you are or older) have a lot more to give than a younger one (who is looking for something without giving anything.) You may need to change your target audience.
^ I actually don't give a hoot how I'm perceived by others in terms of appearance but it saddens me to know that I'm likely never going to appeal to a younger woman because many of them are so vain and full of themselves - only looking for physical attributes and financial status. The common belief that many young women look for "life experience" when searching for a better half is just a myth lol. It hasn't hit most young folks that looks fade away and someday they're going to be old and feeble too.
Correct me if I'm mistaken but I thought you were around 50. How much younger are you looking/hoping for? I'm in my 50's and can't imagine why a (much) younger woman would have any interest other than financially.
Correct me if I'm mistaken but I thought you were around 50. How much younger are you looking/hoping for? I'm in my 50's and can't imagine why a (much) younger woman would have any interest other than financially.
Younger women can fall in love with older men. Look at Hugh Hefner. Hard to believe that the woman he was married to when he died is younger than me.
Correct me if I'm mistaken but I thought you were around 50. How much younger are you looking/hoping for? I'm in my 50's and can't imagine why a (much) younger woman would have any interest other than financially.
I’m in my 40s and currently dating a woman in her 20s. I don’t have money either.
Go anywhere and you’ll see all types of men that are married or are in a significant relationship. Handsome men, unattractive men, rich men, poor men, tall men, short men, skinny men, muscular men, overweight men, bald men, hairy men, shy men, confident men…
The only thing that seems to universally shut doors is wearing your insecurities on your sleeve, blaming women for that, and harboring bitterness. That’s the ticket to loneliness. Avoid that and you’ll ultimately be fine.
I’m in my 40s and currently dating a woman in her 20s. I don’t have money either.
You have my unapologetic envy. When I was 20, my ex-girlfriend was 24, and she knew much more about everything than I did.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Warwick
The only thing that seems to universally shut doors is wearing your insecurities on your sleeve, blaming women for that, and harboring bitterness. That’s the ticket to loneliness. Avoid that and you’ll ultimately be fine.
I've worn my heart on my sleeve whole life, and its gotten me in loads of trouble...but in all honesty, I don't know how to be any different. When I met my ex, I was physically mature, but mentally and emotionally I was probably half my real age. I'd become so dark in my soul from all the pain I'd suffered in my family life, and some secret addictions as well. So when I realized I was truly falling in love and it wasn't just lust, my heart panicked a million percent. My thoughts raced, in a desperate panic: "Oh, my God. I could actually see myself marrying this woman. I know I love her that much, and we're friends, but does she love me? How do I know? What if she doesn't? How can I possibly live with that?" In short, I was essentially the emotional combination of Doc Brown and George McFly, terrified of myself and of others, with no one to help me. Later, after some bad personal mistakes, I finally told her...and after crying for a short time, she and I pursued our relationship.
Ultimately though, my lack of social and emotional understanding was one of many things that drove us apart. Looking back now, I realize I probably came off as too outright judgmental, resentful, hypocritical, and narcissistic...but the truth was I was both scared of myself and completely desperate. I held on too tight because in my heart, losing her meant the end of my world and I couldn't let that happen. She seemed to love me back, but ultimately it was also conflicted. Because she had more experience than me, and didn't suffer from the same mental or emotional issues that I did, its very likely that she saw my behavior as personal attacks, or an attempt to selfishly control her. But in truth, that wasn't my goal; I just wanted her heart, fully and completely like she had mine. And the more I tried expressing myself, the more she pulled away. Everything finally imploded in 2006, and I haven't seen her in person since.
@moviefan im going to let you in on a small secret that took me years to learn. Most women dont even know wtf they want. Figure out what you want and go for it. Im lucky in life, My wife and I have been together 20 years. Im no spring chicken im no prize. I chose a woman who was older because I got tired of the immaturity of younger women. My wife puts up with to much of my shit and shes honestly a saint for it. Truthfully never would tell her this but id be lost without her. Yeah younger = great to look at, but the mind games **** that.
@moviefan im going to let you in on a small secret that took me years to learn. Most women dont even know wtf they want. Figure out what you want and go for it. Im lucky in life, My wife and I have been together 20 years. Im no spring chicken im no prize. I chose a woman who was older because I got tired of the immaturity of younger women. My wife puts up with to much of my shit and shes honestly a saint for it. Truthfully never would tell her this but id be lost without her. Yeah younger = great to look at, but the mind games **** that.
Oh, I'm definitely with you about mental and emotional games from anyone. The people who raised me were extremely fear-minded and legalistic, drilling so much hate and self-condemnation into my soul. By the time my hormones hit, I just concluded early on, "This is too damn much; they'd never understand, and I can't control anything myself." My ex was the first and to date the only woman I've ever been with. But even before that happened, I was able to share some of my deepest secrets with her, and she never once treated me like a monster as a result. That's one reason why it was so easy for me to fall in love with her, so fast and so desperately. She wasn't just my lover; she was my deepest friend, and when I lost her it felt like my soul had been ripped out.
That's really sad and I am so sorry that you went through such stuff like. From the way you talk, it's obvious how much you loved her and still do. Despite the fact that you two are no longer. However, I'd like to give some perspective on this that may help you. If you wanted to, you could talk to her. And I'm sure that you could see her too, if you wanted. Maybe not in the same context, but at least you could do those things. I cannot. My finacé killed themselves with a gun and I will never see them again until I am gone. I would kill to be in your shoes. Just to be able to see their face again or hear the voice once more. You are FAR LUCKIER than you may realize. I'm not trying to diminish what you are going through. I just want to you see that you are lucky and also want you to see a more positive side to this. No harm and no offense meant by any of this.
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Do Women Have a Big Problem With All Unemployed Men?
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