Frasier 30th Anniversary complete rewatch thread

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E11 Seat of Power

Frasier: You know the expression, "Living well is the best revenge"?
Niles: It's a wonderful expression. I just don't know how true it is. You don't see it turning up in a lot of opera plots. "Ludwig, maddened by the poisoning of his entire family, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act by living well."
Frasier: All right, Niles.
Niles: "Whereupon Woton, discovering his deception, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act again by living even better than the Duke."
Frasier: Oh, all right!

Danny: Hey, wait a minute. I can't defend everything I did back in junior high, I mean who can? But let's face it, when you show up at school wearing a tweed blazer with elbow patches and carrying a valise, I mean, I think the guilt here is fifty- fifty.

Danny: I am so sorry that I picked on you, man. I just wanted to be good at something, and I was good at that.
Niles: You were the best.

Niles: When you think about it, our only mistake today was trying to fix that toilet ourselves.
Frasier: Yes, we tampered with the natural order of things.
Niles: But now, order has been restored. By hiring a plumber, that plumber can now afford, say, a Dolly Parton album. Miss Parton can then finance a national tour which will, of course, come to Seattle, allowing some local promoter to make enough money to send his cross-dressing teenage son to us for $150- an-hour therapy.
Frasier: To the circle of life.

Frasier: Niles, have you been self-medicating again?

Frasier: I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his back on me, I'll attack him again.
Niles: No, you won't. You're not a child anymore. Now come with me, I'm taking you to the bathroom.

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E12 Roz in the Doghouse

Daphne: I don't see what's so hard about telling Roz you were wrong.
Frasier: You don't understand. You see, it's not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong. I have a degree from Harvard. Whenever I'm wrong, the world makes a little less sense.

Martin: If you weren't so damn stubborn, you'd apologize to Roz, get her back on the show, and everybody'd be happy.
Frasier: As usual, you're overlooking a key psychological component in this whole issue.
Martin: You'd have to admit you were wrong.
Frasier: Exactly!

Niles: Maris is unable to have pets. She... she distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally.

Niles: Aren't they exquisite? Those shoes were individually handmade by an artisan toiling in a hilltop village above Florence. The man is a hero there. It's an event when he completes a pair of shoes. They ring the cathedral bell and the whole town celebrates!
Roz: There's a town that needs a bowling alley.

Frasier: I thought answering some of the fan mail that had been piling up would give you something to do. And remember, this time, death threats don't get photos.

Roz: I've heard your expert advice! The only mental disorder you've ever cured is insomnia!
Frasier: Well, I'm surprised you had time to listen, what with being so busy with your ultra-demanding producer tasks! Answering phones and pushing buttons! My God, a cockatoo with a strong beak could do what you do!

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E13 Retirement Is Murder

Frasier: Ah, yes. Another beautiful Saturday night. The moon is full, the city lights are twinkling, lovers steal kisses in the park... and here, Chez Crane, my father and his assistant sit hunched over twenty year old photographs of a murdered hooker. Life is a banquet.

Niles: It was an exquisite meal, marred only by the lack of even one outstanding cognac on their carte de digestif.
Frasier: Yes, but think of it this way, Niles: what's the one thing better than an exquisite meal? An exquisite meal with one tiny flaw we can pick at all night.
Niles: Quite right. To impossible standards.

Frasier: Just imagine how excited Dad will be to go to a game with his two sons. My God, it's the archetypal male bonding ritual!
Niles: Couldn't we just go into the woods, kill something and have done with it?

Daphne: You know, there's nothing we Brits like better than a grisly murder and a nice hot cup of tea.

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E14 Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twice...

Daphne: This whole thing reminds me of when I first moved to London. And I was very mistrusting of people back then. I was convinced, the way to stay out of harm's way was to walk the streets with me eyes cast down, never meeting anyone's glance. But, finally, I decided that was no way to live. So, one day I just lifted up me chin and took it all in. Well, the change was amazing. There were sights I'd never seen, sounds I'd never heard. A tiny old man came up to me with a note in his hand. He needed help. I realised this was no city full of thieves and muggers. There were people here who needed me. I took his note, read it, and to this day I can remember just what I said to that man. "That's not how you spell fellatio."

Frasier: Don't stare at me, Eddie. I'm a humane man but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan!

Niles: Roz, are you trying to avoid me?
Roz: Well, can you blame me? I mean, it took you nearly a year just to learn my name and every time we sit together, you have some kind of snide remark to make.
Niles: Name one.
Roz: Well, last week you told me my bedroom was easier to get into than a community college.
Niles: I was hoping that would be the one you'd name.

Phil: Damn it! How did you find me?
Frasier: Well, a certain Denise called the station today. She had to cancel your little rendezvous.
Phil: Great, and I put on my best suit.
Frasier: No, you put on my best suit.
Phil: Well, I guess this is it. Party's over. I'm so stupid. You probably want to call the police, huh?
Frasier: No. What I would like to do is throttle you 'til your eyes shoot across the room like champagne corks!

Frasier: Oh, yes, here it comes, yes. The old sob story. "Daddy didn't love me. Mother ignored me. The bully next door stole my baseball glove."
Phil: No. Dad loved me, mom spoiled me, and I *was* the bully next door.

Niles: I'm just so proud. I had to stop for gas, and I pumped it myself!

Niles: I got my first work shirt this morning and tonight I'm tackling the squeaky hasp on my cigar humidor!

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E15 You Scratch My Book...

Daphne: You have to help me decide what to do with it.
Niles: Well, you might want to consider letting Wendell re-invest it. That's what I'm doing. It's called "rolling it over."
Daphne: Then I'll do it. Oh, this is so exciting!
Frasier: What's all this?
Daphne: Well, your brother just gave me two hundred dollars, and now he's going to roll me over.
Frasier: Niles?
Niles: Communications breakdown.
Frasier: Good.

Frasier: What you were doing was completely dishonest.
Niles: Ooh, said the pot to the kettle!
Frasier: What is that supposed to mean?
Niles: I think you know what it means.
Frasier: Oh, don't be ridiculous! Our two situations are totally different.
Niles: Oh, really? How so?
Frasier: Well, for one thing, you've been misleading a woman for your own selfish gain.
Niles: And so are you!
Frasier: Well, I'm not finished. She was also trusting you to tell the truth!
Niles: Oh, and the difference would be?
Frasier: Your woman is English!
Niles: Frasier, you've lost this one.
Frasier: I know, I know. It's just going to take a little while to climb down off of this particular high horse.

Honey: Oh, Dr. Niles Crane. I read a wonderful article you wrote in the Journal of Psychiatric Medicine. Let's see... "Gestalt Therapy, Probing the Subconscious."
Niles: Yes, and I believe I read your quiz in Cosmo, "Is Your Guy a Stud or a Dud?"

Niles: The first stock really did pay off, but then the rest all tanked. And what was I supposed to do? Tell that poor, working-class Venus I'd lost her life savings? I had to pay her back and if I threw in a little extra, well, where's the harm in that?
Frasier: Niles, you are giving a woman money in order to obtain physical affection! We're talking about the world's oldest profession. Granted, this is sort of the Walt Disney version, but still. It's wrong, I insist you stop it.
Niles: No. It's altruistic, it's noble, it's fun, and you can't make me stop.

Frasier: I'm trying to recommend the book. Reading it doesn't help.

Niles: I would gladly go, but I've got my compulsive spending seminar, and I'm hoping to unload the rest of these raffle tickets.

Daphne: You should try reading one of her books.
Frasier: Yes, well, I have. Believe me, after one page, I was yearning for the worldly cynicism of Barney the Dinosaur.

Daphne: Dr. Snow has a little saying: "Nothing ventured, nothing gained".
Frasier: She'd better copyright that before some unscrupulous hack steals it.

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E16 The Show Where Sam Shows Up

Frasier: Oh, my god.
Roz: She was cute, but she's not an 'oh, my god.'
Frasier: No, no, no. Not that 'oh, my god.' Oh, my god I slept with that woman three months ago.
Roz: *You* slept with *her*?
Frasier: Yes!
Niles: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?

Sam: She's smart, she's funny, she's horny. I mean, she's just the kind of chick you wanna stick up on a pedestal.
Frasier: You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.

Sam: I tell you, man, she's one in a million.
Frasier: You know, for most guys, that's just an expression.

Daphne: I don't understand this American obsession with sports figures. They're all so superficial.
Martin: Yeah, it's not like they do anything real important, like sit on a throne or christen ships.

Roz: Need anyone to show you around Seattle?
Sam: Well, you know, tell you the truth, I'm all right with the city, but I get real lost in my hotel room.
Frasier: Oh, boy. Just look at the two of you face to face. I imagine wild animals all over the Northwest are lifting their heads, alerted to the scent.

Sam: Hey, you know, here's some good news: Woody and Kelly, they had a baby boy.
Frasier: Oh, that is wonderful! Is he...?
Sam: No, he's smart. He's smart.
Frasier: Genetics takes a holiday, huh?

Niles: Exactly where am I supposed to find whipped cream and a car battery at this hour?
Sam: You got neighbors, don't you?

Sheila: Look, that night I spent with you, I guess I just kind of fell off the wagon. What I did was terrible. I felt awful afterwards. It ended up being a kind of a turning point for me. That's how it is with addiction; before you get better you have to hit rock bottom.
Frasier: Yes. Well... I'm glad I could be down there for you.

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E17 Daphne's Room

Martin: Aw geez, the disposal's jammed. Stick your hand down there and see what's stuck, will ya?
Niles: Dad, it's me. Niles.

Frasier: I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts!
Niles: Oh really, and during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?

Niles: Maris and I burned up a lot of energy last night--a *lot* of energy! I have to replenish my body.
Frasier: I assume you and Maris achieved détente?
Niles: Twice!

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E18 The Club

Frasier: I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. This is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.
Niles: My brother is too kind. He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.

Martin: Where's Maris?
Niles: Uh, she stayed in the Mercedes, practicing her vivacious giggle.

Niles: I've also done some research on our competition, and, frankly, I don't think we have to worry. One of them flies coach.

Roz: Frasier, this is so boring! Don't you both owe each other an apology?
Frasier: Well, yes! But I was the first to apologize last time. Oh, wait - that means it's his turn! Oh, goody, I can be mature about this!

Frasier: What are you up to? You have that same smug look you had on your face when you found that recording of Kirsten Flagstad's 1932 Götterdämmerung in the discount bin.

Daphne: We mostly call our body parts by their rightful names. Except my uncle Harold. He named parts of his anatomy after the royal family. He walked on the Queen's Pins, he sat on the Duchess of Kent. He was quite a jolly fellow. That is, until Aunt Kate caught him introducing the Prince of Wales to a cocktail waitress.

Frasier: Van Cortland? I thought he lost his membership in the S&L scandal.
Spencer: Actually, he was acquitted of all charges and reinstated in the club.
Frasier: Oh, he was innocent.
Spencer: No, just acquitted.

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E19 Someone to Watch Over Me

Niles: Well, as some illustrious person once said, "Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
Frasier: You just made that up, didn't you?
Niles: Yes, but I stand by it.

Frasier: Dad, she's not a weirdo. She's just a woman who finds me utterly fascinating.
Niles: And the distinction would be?

Frasier: Have you considered wearing a beekeeper's mask?
Roz: Do I make fun of that Astrodome you call a forehead?

Frasier: Who is it, please?
Niles: Lizzie Borden, I want you to autograph my hatchet.

Niles: Just so you know, Frasier, I have unusually small kidneys.

Roz: All she ever does is gush and tell you how wonderful you are.
Frasier: And this hurts me how?

Niles: She's very upset about her manicurist. The woman's been doing Maris's nails for years now, and sadly, she was just taken critically ill.
Daphne: Oh, dear. How bad is she?
Niles: Oh, she'll be fine when she finds another manicurist.

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E20 Breaking the Ice

Niles: That was amazing! I've never felt so in touch with nature.
Martin: What happened?
Niles: For the first time in my life, I just urinated outdoors!

Frasier: You know that Maris loves you, right? But it's still nice to hear it.
Niles: I imagine it would be, but let's stick to attainable goals.

Frasier: So you're suggesting that I go along, and pretend I'm enjoying myself doing something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all, just to hear the words "I love you"?
Daphne: Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.

Niles: What an odd combination of odors. It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E21 An Affair to Forget

Martin: Maris is learning German, huh? Just when you thought she couldn't get any cuddlier...

Roz: You just tell her you know she's been mattress surfing with some other guy and if she doesn't knock it off, you'll tell her husband.
Frasier: It's not that easy. You don't know this woman. She doesn't deal with confrontation very well. I once questioned the political correctness of her serving veal. An hour later, we found her locked in the garage with the engine running on her golf cart!
Roz: Whoa, it's Maris!

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E22 Agents in America: Part 3

Frasier: What kind of a woman are you? You seduced me, you lied to me, you nearly got me killed. You've shamelessly manipulated not only me but this station, the news media, and the entire city of Seattle. What do you have to say for yourself?
Bebe: Aren't you glad I'm on your side?

Frasier: Once a woman has dipped her toe into Crane Lake, dry land is never the same again.
Niles: Yes, she's probably home in her room writing "Mrs. Bebe Crane" over and over in the margin of her algebra book.

Bebe: Do you have any idea how hot you are? I get offers every day from other stations offering the moon for you.
Frasier: Good Lord, am I really that hot?
Bebe: Are you kidding? If I were a pot roast, I'd be done.
Niles: Hello, I'm Niles, a person at the table.
Bebe: Niles, thank God you're here. Back me up. Give him some sound, brotherly advice.
Niles: She's the Devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far.

Daphne: Here we are! One cup of tea - half Darjeeling, half chamomile, skim milk, a packet of sweetener - oh, and I thought you might enjoy a nice fat-free tea biscuit. Will there be anything else?
Bebe: No. You run along, I'm fine.
Daphne: You're sure now? 'Cause I could wait until you finish the biscuit and floss your teeth for you.
Bebe: You are a cheeky little monkey, aren't you? This cookie tastes like meat!
Daphne: Yes, and it'll remove tartar and give you a nice, shiny coat!

Niles: Oh, dear, don't turn around. It's that dreadful woman who works for you.
Frasier: Who?
Niles: Um, uh, Lady Macbeth without the sincerity.
Frasier: Oh! Oh, Bebe's here!

Frasier: Bebe, uh, I don't think there are any words to describe what we shared last night.
Bebe: It was like Greco-Roman wrestling on a trampoline.

Frasier: Ohhh, God.
Martin: How're you feeling?
Frasier: How do I look?
Martin: Last time I saw a guy who looked like you, he'd been in the trunk of a car at the airport for a month.

Bebe: Why are you so tense? This is the best part. What could be more fun than this?
Frasier: Oh, watching a loved one be autopsied?

Bebe: Give me one reason to live! Just one!
Frasier: There are... hundreds of reasons. Work, art, the people who care about you! Now come in, you crazy *****!

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E23 The Innkeepers

Frasier: Oh, Niles, guess what thriving Seattle nightspot is closing its doors.
Niles: Roz, you're moving.

Frasier: All right, stop it! Get a grip. You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes! Now quick, Niles, kill five eels!
Niles: Wait, wait! What?
Frasier: I'm serious! Every restaurant critic in Seattle is out there and they all want anguille, so start killing eels!
Niles: Wait, wait. How do you suggest I do that?
Frasier: How do I know? You're the chef. Throw a toaster in the damn tank for all I care!

Niles: What's the word for "lighthearted" in French?
Frasier: There isn't one...

Niles: How much firepower do you suppose is necessary to imbed a cherry in an acoustic ceiling tile?
Frasier: Another question we should have asked ourselves before we entered the exciting world of food service.

Otto: Have you decided what you'd like?
Frasier: Yes. I'd like the whole damn place, right from the wine cellar to the rafters!
Otto: And for the lady?

Gil: And so tonight a sad adieu to the grand dame of Seattle restaurants.
Roz: I thought *he* was the grand dame of Seattle restaurants.

Daphne: Oh, for heaven's sakes, can't you just tell them no substitutions?
Roz: I have trouble saying no.
Niles: So the guidebooks tell us.
Roz: Do you want to get thrown in the tank with the rest of the eels?
Daphne: Well, you're not making this very easy. You waltz in here, queen of the waitresses, la-di-da, extra broccoli, hold the capers, and then you go back out on the fun side of the door.
Roz: You want to trade places with me, Mary Poppins? Be my guest!

Niles: You know, I'm inclined to agree with Daphne.
Frasier: I'll try to contain my amazement.

Frasier: Orsini's is closing.
Niles: Oh, it can't be. It's part of Crane history. Grandfather took me there for my eighth birthday. Childhood memories, so vivid. Wearing paper hats, singing Happy Birthday, sending back the Veal Prince Orloff.

Niles: Saint Katy the Virgin in like-new condition.
Frasier: Yes, well, she'd have to be, wouldn't she?

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E24 Dark Victory

Frasier: Now we can all sit here in the dark and be miserable or we can try to have some fun.
Niles: I'm going to call Maris.
Frasier: Well, Niles has voted. Who votes for fun?

Niles: Two years of my hard work wiped out by one of your two-minute McSessions.

Niles: Nineteen floors down to my car! Garage door's electric! Can't open! Twenty floors back up! Lost count! Bad lady upstairs! Big dog! Need place to die!

Frasier: Excuse me! Just a second! Maybe it's time for a little lesson about what it's like to live the life of this particular party pooper. I spend the whole damn week ministering to the troubled and the neurotic and the sometimes just plain goofy, then I hang up my earphones and it doesn't end there! Out on the street, at the cafe, even in this building. More people come up for help. More problems. I suppose they just think it's okay, it's what I do. But every time I try to help them, it costs me a little piece of myself. A little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit here, a little bit there... 'til I end up feeling like a zebra carcass on the Serengeti surrounded by burping vultures! Well, this happened to be one of those weeks. I had my escape planned. I was gonna come home for an evening of fun with my extended family. What do I get? I get the four of you going at each other like the Borgias on a bad day! So I roll up my sleeves, and I tend to each one of you. And you all feel better. And the minute you get a whiff of mesquite coming from down below, you are out the door! Without so much as a 'thank you'! Well, thank you for the invitation, but I am, frankly, fed up with people and their problems. The doctor is out.

Roz: I was in college, I was trying to find myself!
Niles: All you needed to do was look under the nearest man.

Roz: The blackout hit just as the elevator doors opened on the fourteenth floor. So I stood in the hallway trying to decide whether to, you know, come back up here with you guys or take my chances on the pitch-black streets with the muggers and the weirdos. So I went down a couple of flights...

Niles: Well, this blackout could go on all night. It's time I braved the dark streets and got back to my Maris. I just hope this isn't like the lightning storm last month. The only way I could coax her out from under the bed was by tying a Prozac to the end of a string!

Frasier: Dad, you haven't even cut your cake yet. Look, where are you going?
Martin: I'm gonna sit in the tub with a hairdryer and wait for the power to come back on.

Daphne: I broke your father's souvenir spoon rest from Atlantic City.
Frasier: Oh, good.

Niles: You know, I really hate that. When you take a simple criticism and you turn it back on me.
Frasier: Well, I think I'm right.
Niles: Well, of course you're right. Why do you think I hate it?