Frasier 30th Anniversary complete rewatch thread

[Benoit Blanc]

S01E18 And the Whimper Is...

Frasier: You know, I've never really won anything before. Although back in prep school, the Existentialist Club once named me "Most Likely To Be."

Noel: Here are the car keys so you can drive us home. I have night blindness.
Roz: I wish I did.

Frasier: So, where's Maris?
Niles: Well we were just getting ready to leave the house when Maris caught a glimpse of herself in the hall mirror...
Frasier: Niles, at the end of this story, will I roll my eyes?
Niles: I did.
Frasier: Well then just skip it.

Bebe: Hello, Mr. Crane. You're even more handsome than the last time I saw you. If I were 20 years older, they couldn't keep me away from you.
Martin: That's why I keep this cane.

Niles: And then she said she'd been seeing someone else. She couldn't keep living a lie. I was dumbfounded. I mean, what about everything we'd gone through together, didn't that mean anything to her?
Frasier: Niles, a patient has a right to change therapists.

[Benoit Blanc]

S01E19 Give Him the Chair!

Niles: [testing a chair in the showplace] I never knew a chair could be this satisfying. I never knew anything could! I want it!
Frasier: Yes, Niles, I'm sure it would fit right in with all of Maris' Eighteenth Century antiques.
Niles: Well then, I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the side.

Martin: I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the Moon. And when the US hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. Y'know, I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off to bed... Oh, never mind. It's only a chair.

Frasier: By tonight my dad will be safely back in his beer-stained, flea-infested, duct-taped recliner, adjusting his shorts with one hand and cheering on Jean-Claude Van Damme with the other. Yes, it's quite a little piece of heaven I've carved out for myself, isn't it?

Frasier: Hello, Niles. Whatever are you doing here?
Niles: I, um, bought an emerald necklace for Maris, and I needed some place to hide it for her birthday.
Frasier: Emeralds? Well, may I see it?
Niles: Not at the moment, no.
Frasier: Why not?
Daphne: It's down my blouse.
Frasier: I see. Well, I'm sure Maris will never think of looking for it there.

Martin: Well, Niles, what brings you by?
Niles: Maris's birthday, I'm hiding her gift here.
Martin: Oh, it's getting that time again, huh? Well, I guess I'm gonna have to get her something. It's too bad, I just got back from the hardware store. Saw a great-looking ratchet set.
Frasier: As if there's anything left on her that needs tightening.

Martin: I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.
Frasier: How about Florida?
Martin: I heard that.

Frasier: Oh, Niles, I'm just having some fun with you. I happen to think Maris is rather attractive, in a... a minimalist sort of way.

Frasier: So, Roz, any update on the chair?
Roz: Oh yeah, the calls have been pouring in.
Frasier: Really? And what are they?
Roz: Well, so far, it's been spotted at the top of the Space Needle, in the Governor's Mansion, and a man in Lake Stevens said he saw it flying over his house, but he thought it was just a spaceship from a tacky planet.

Roz: Hey, Fras. How was your weekend?
Frasier: Hellish.
Roz: Great. Let me tell you what happened to me.

Mrs. Warren: [to the drama club] This isn't Broadway, it's junior high. There's no reason at all to be nervous. We're just gonna go out there tonight in front of family and friends and have some fun, okay? [to Frasier] If one more thing goes wrong, I'm gonna have to take my own life.

[Benoit Blanc]

S01E20 Fortysomething

Frasier: Niles, I'm 41. That's hardly middle-aged. Middle age is more like 50, 55.
Niles: Only if you live to be 110.

Martin: Say, didn't this used to be Pinski's department store?
Frasier: I have no idea.
Martin: Sure it was. We used to bring you kids here all the time. Man, it was a great store. You could buy lingerie, a bag of popcorn and transmission fluid, all under the same roof.

Frasier: The other day I was asked out by this 22-year-old girl that I met in a mall.
Niles: That is alarming.
Frasier: Well, I turned her down.
Niles: No no, you were in a mall. Did anyone see you?

[Benoit Blanc]

[Benoit Blanc]

S01E21 Travels with Martin

Niles: Those were awful, those family driving vacations. Dad insisting on covering as many miles as possible in a day; the two of us, tiny hostages in the back seat, clutching our car sickness bags, straining to see something out of the window as the landscape whizzed by. I was 13 before I realized cows aren't blurry.

Daphne: How does it feel behind that wheel, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Manly! This is mine, and it's big!

Niles: I'm sorry Frasier, I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name he would ever want to do something like this! All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of Miller Lite cans. This is my final word. I'm not going.
Martin: Hey, great news! Daphne's coming, too!
Niles: And so am I!

Roz: Listen, there is nothing wrong with pampering yourself on your vacation. After all, you do work three hours a day. I'm sorry. That one even surprised me!

Frasier: You've got to come with us!
Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys, but *this* is an imposition!

Daphne: Oh, I need a cup of tea.
Frasier: Tea! Why don't you just wave a crumpet in the air and start singing "God Save the Queen"!

Frasier: I plan to leave Dad and Eddie to fend for themselves while I go off and spend an obscene amount of money being pampered like a spoiled child. I know it's self-indulgent, but what else are vacations for? By the way, what are you doing for your week off?
Roz: Oh, I'm taking my mom to Ireland to stay in the sod house where her mother was born.
Frasier: Why don't you just write the words "bad son" on my forehead!

Niles: I should have known this would happen. I always throw out my back when I try to lift Maris' luggage.
Daphne: Why didn't you hire a skycap?
Niles: Oh, we did for most of it, but Maris won't trust strangers with her makeup case, ever since a ham-handed porter dropped it and broke three vials of rare Swiss lamb placenta. On the upside, the calfskin lining of her case was never more soft and supple.

Frasier: He was going to go on this trip with Mom.
Niles: Yes, but she lucked out and died.

[Benoit Blanc]

S01E22 Author, Author

Frasier, Niles: Oh some boys go to college, but we think they're all wussies, 'cause they get all the knowledge, and we get all the umpta-da-da-da umpta-da-da-da...

Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.

Niles: All my life I have dreamed of one thing: the day I could go into a library and go to the card catalogue and see my name under "mental illness".

Niles: My God, I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!
Frasier: YOU STOLE MY MOMMY!

Niles: *I'm* the one on the board of the Psychiatric Association, *my* research is well-respected in academic circles, four of *my* patients have been elected to political office, but it's *your* big fat face they put on the side of buses!

Frasier: What are you doing here?
Niles: Dad, I would like you to convey a message from me to Frasier.
Martin: What makes you think I know where he is?
Niles: Tell him he owes me half of this hotel bill. I will accept cash but no personal checks. I know he has trouble writing things.
Frasier: I'm not paying any of this.
Niles: Oh... so you're cheap as well as intellectually barren.
Frasier: And you're a no-talent hack!
Niles: And you look stupid in a T-shirt!

[drb999]

Lilith, Roz and Daphne were hot.

[Benoit Blanc]

S01E23 Frasier Crane's Day Off

Niles: Although I feel fully qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming Mother today.

Daphne: Oh now, Doc, I really don't think you're in any...
Frasier: Thank you! But the moment I give a fig about what you think is the day that England produces a great chef, a world-class bottle of wine, and a car that has a decent electrical system!

Frasier: I filled in for you when you were too sick to meet with your "Fear of Intimacy" group!
Niles: I wasn't sick. They were just getting too close.
Frasier: Oh, I guess you're right. It's probably a bad idea. Doing my show requires a set of abilities that you just don't possess. You have to be able to size up your patients very quickly, and then dispense your advice in an entertaining and insightful manner.
Niles: Frasier, this pathetic attempt at reverse psychology is beneath you.
Frasier: Then you're not gonna do my show?
Niles: No, I AM going to do your show, and I'm going to do it better than you ever DREAMED of doing it!

Martin: Half your listening audience hears voices already, and the other half talks to themselves! If you don't show up, who's gonna notice?

Frasier: It's just a little bug.
Daphne: But you can't be thinking of going to work! You're all pasty and clammy and pale!
Martin: And coming from an English person, that's bad!

[Benoit Blanc]

S01E24 My Coffee with Niles

Frasier: I asked Dad to pass me a bran muffin. You know what he said to me? He said "What's the magic word?"
Niles: You're kidding!
Frasier: He didn't think it was very amusing when I said "rest home"!

Frasier: I suppose the situation you're in is that you'd like to stay with Maris, but you'd like to have an affair with Daphne.
Niles: Yes. Can I do that?
Frasier: No, you can't!

Niles: Why did you have to hire Venus herself? Couldn't you find some beefy, Eastern-European scrub woman who reeked of ammonia?
Frasier: Well, I asked, but it was an Olympic year. The agency was fresh out.

Niles: I don't think she likes me.
Frasier: Niles, it isn't a question of liking or not liking. She despises you.
Niles: Really? Why should I warrant such strong emotions? I barely acknowledge her existence.
Frasier: I think you may be onto something there, Sherlock!

Waitress: Zimbabwe, decaf, non-fat milk, no cinnamon in sight. Now - are you happy?
Frasier: You know, in the greater scheme of things... yes, I'd say I am.

Niles: Maddening!
Frasier: What is it now?
Niles: They have a new moisturizer dispenser in the men's room, and the cream is entirely too oily, so I had to rewash my hands, and wouldn't you know it, that's when the hot-air hand dryer chooses to break down!
Frasier: How do you get through the day?

Frasier: So, you really do love her?
Niles: Of course I love her. But it's a different kind of love.
Frasier: You mean it's not human?
Niles: No, no, I mean it doesn't burn with the passion and intensity of a Tristan and Isolde. It's more comfortable, more familiar. Maris and I are old friends. We can spend an afternoon together - me at my jigsaw puzzle, she at her auto-harp - not a word spoken between us and be perfectly content.
Frasier: I'm told it was a lot like that near the end in the Hitler household.

Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, Roz, why don't you join us?
Roz: No, no thank you. There's a cute new handyman in my building. I thought I'd just go home, slip into a negligée and rip out my faucet.
Frasier: [to Niles] You think she's kidding, don't you?

Roz: I'm ecumenical. I embrace men of all faiths.

Niles: I did not marry Maris for the money. It was just a delightful bonus.

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E01 Slow Tango in South Seattle

Niles: Maris is reading "Slow Tango In South Seattle." I think it's put thoughts in her head. This morning I found her cooing over the college student who skims the koi pond.
Martin: I wouldn't concern myself.
Niles: So you think it's just innocent flirting?
Martin: No, I just wouldn't concern myself.

Frasier: I came here to apologize about more than just the book. I never felt quite right about the way I left things. I abandoned you, it was selfish and cowardly.
Clarise: Oh Frasier, relax. I always felt guilty for short-changing you on your music lessons. Do you still keep it up?

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E02 The Unkindest Cut of All

Martin: I used to think there'd been some sort of mix-up at the hospital. Course, when Niles came along, it shot that theory all to hell.

Frasier: Oh, Niles... you have liver behind your ears.
Niles: Imagine. I must have picked up a cracker and inadvertently scratched behind my ear.
Frasier: So you're telling me that you had a wad of cold meat behind your ears and you didn't feel it?
Niles: That's the story I'm sticking with, yes.

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E03 The Matchmaker

Frasier: I know how bleak these times can be, but believe me, they come to an end sooner or later. You know, I remember a time back in Boston, I was going through exactly what you're going through now. Just a week later I met a lovely barmaid, sophisticated if a bit loquacious. We fell madly in love. We got engaged... 'Course, she left me standing at the altar. But the point is, I didn't give up. I took my poor battered heart and offered it to Lilith... Put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the purée button. I rebounded and look how far I've come. I'm divorced, lonely, living with my father.

Tom: This Maris guy he kept mentioning is a woman?
Frasier: Well, the jury's still out on that one.

Daphne: Do you have any idea how uncomfortable a strapless bra is?
Frasier: Well, thanks to my fraternity days, as a matter of fact I do.

Niles: Frasier, I must apologize; I was wrong about Tom. If I had to choose a man for Daphne, he's the one I'd pick.

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E04 Flour Child

Frasier: Oh Niles, I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity. I have to go steal a get-well card from a kidney patient.

Niles: I'm roleplaying, dad.
Martin: Try playing the role of a sane person.

Frasier: I wrote, "Dear Clarence, you're not getting older, you're just getting a little closer to death"!

Frasier: Bleached, 100% fat free, best when kept in an air-tight container. It seems this one's taking after its mother.

Frasier: You know, my particular area of medicine is psychiatry. I like to specialize in the head, you know, not the lower portion of the body. It's much less messy that way. Not that your lower portion is messy at all. It's quite beautiful, actually... not that I'm looking!

Frasier: Niles, I can't help noticing that your child has a little boo-boo.
Niles: Oh, it's nothing. I was playing him some Brahms the other day, never too early to ingrain them. I guess I must have begun conducting with one of the gilded chopsticks Maris wears in her bun and I accidentally ran him through.
Frasier: What young parent doesn't tell that story?

Frasier: Niles, what has happened to your child?
Niles: I was practicing my Tai Chi exercises this morning and I accidentally kicked him into the reflecting pool. That's when I brought him inside and left him by the hearth to dry.
Frasier: He caught on fire?
Niles: It was not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames.

Frasier: I remember the very first time I held him in my arms as a newborn. It was as if everything else in the universe simply melted away. There was just a father, a son, and the distant sound of Lilith saying, "If you ever come near me again, Frasier, I'll drop you with a deer rifle".

Niles: Maybe it wouldn't hurt to look into getting some of her eggs frozen.
Frasier: Ooh, I suspect they're only a few degrees away from that now.

Frasier: Have you talked this over with Maris?
Niles: Not yet. I like to know what I want before Maris tells me.

Niles: Last night, I actually had a dream my flour sack was abducted and the kidnappers started sending me muffins in the mail.

[principehomura]

Originally Posted by Benoit Blanc

S02E03 The Matchmaker

One of the funniest episodes!

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E05 Duke's, We Hardly Knew Ye

Daphne: Could it be that he just wants to lift a pint with his sons?
Niles: No. Duke's is where dad hangs out with his cop buddies. It's where he goes to escape the stresses, strains, and petty annoyances of everyday life.
Frasier: In other words, us.

Daphne: If you ask me, you Americans have an unhealthy obsession with sex.
Martin: Hey, I'm sorry we can't all be as chaste and restrained as the Royal Family!
Frasier: Good one, Dad!
Martin: I've been saving it!

Frasier: What say we go celebrate with a nice dinner at an exclusive boite?
Niles: Yes, but the question remains, what boite?
Frasier: Charise?
Niles: Too noisy.
Frasier: Alsace?
Niles: Too bright.
Frasier: Papillon?
Niles: Too crowded.
Frasier: We've run out of boites.
Niles: A city this size and only three boites.
Frasier: How do we live?

Daphne: I have never met a family that worked so hard at being uncomfortable with each other!

Frasier: Hi, Dad, what are you doing up?
Martin: Oh, I reached over in my sleep and Eddie wasn't there.
Frasier: You need a woman, Dad.

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E06 The Botched Language of Cranes

Niles: Now see here, how dare you speak to a lady that way! Yes, well, that's no excuse, ma'am.

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E07 The Candidate

Niles: Nothing is more sacrosanct than our professional ethics. Fortunately, I know a trick to get around them.

Niles: My wife, Maris, actually has all our servants down at your campaign headquarters licking envelopes. She'd do it herself, but the poor thing can't produce saliva.

Daphne: You know, my uncle was a political writer for one of those London tabloids. I can still remember his biggest scoop. The headline read: "High-ranking politician caught wearing women's clothing." Of course, you turn to page 2 and you found out it was Margaret Thatcher, but by then you'd already bought the paper.

Frasier: Just now, on the balcony, Phil Patterson told me that he had been... abducted by aliens. Apparently, he was beamed up to the mother ship, for a little interplanetary chitchat!
Niles: This is bad, isn't it?

Frasier: The man is a fascist. He's like Himmler without the whimsy.

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E08 Adventures in Paradise: Part 1

Niles: If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person, someone who really excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable Maris!... marriage. I have to go now.

Daphne: Mr. Crane, is the proper term "serial killer" or "serial murderer?"
Martin: Serial killer, why?
Daphne: Oh, just letting my old mum know what's going on in Seattle. She worries when she doesn't hear from me.

Daphne: Oh, I love to see a man with a cigar. It reminds me of my grandfather. Morning to night, he used to sit with a great big stogie dangling from his lips. Oh, the hours we kids used to spend sitting on his lap, playing with the yellow whiskers beneath his nose. Then he'd take out his teeth with the cigar still in them and chase us around the room! We'd all laugh and laugh... then suddenly Grampa's mood would change, and we'd all have to run for our lives... You can't buy memories like that.

Martin: You know, these things don't happen that often. It's like when I met your mother, it was at a crime scene. Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department'd have her run up a profile of a suspect. I remember the first time I met her. It was over the chalk outline of a murder victim... She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.
Frasier: Dad, you're a ghoul.
Martin: I was joking. We couldn't draw on the outline, they hadn't moved the body yet.

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E09 Adventures in Paradise: Part 2

Lilith: Brian is a seismologist at MIT.
Frasier: Oh, well, that's perfect: Brian, being a seismologist, and you, having so many faults.

Frasier: My God, woman, I'd drive a stake through your heart, but I don't think anything could kill you!

Frasier: Hold it! What's that?
Madeline: What's what?
Frasier: Lilith is making love in there!
Madeline: I don't hear a thing.
Frasier: Exactly!

Madeline: When I come back, I'll make you forget you were ever married to Lilith.
Frasier: That's never happened before without a prescription.

Frasier: Was it me? Was it you? Was it us? Was it you?

[Benoit Blanc]

S02E10 Burying a Grudge

Niles: If, uh, if anyone needs me, I'll be sleeping at the hospital tonight.
Frasier: Why?
Niles: Uh, Maris' doctor feels it's more soothing for the patient to duplicate the home environment as closely as possible, so I slipped a pearl-handled revolver under her pillow and got myself a room across the hall.

Martin: I got twice the guts he has, and after his surgery tomorrow, I'll have 4 times the guts.

Daphne: Oh, I know just what you mean, Dr. Crane. I fell victim to that pressure myself once. I had a mole removed.
Niles: Where?
Daphne: Just south of Manchester.
Niles: I meant where on your body.
Daphne: So did I.

Niles: Frasier, what are you doing here?
Frasier: Oh, I finally got Artie Walsh and Dad talking again. Of course, I did have to resort to some cheap, manipulative pseudo-psychology.
Niles: Always go to your strengths.