Codename Wolverine

I am aware that there are helplines that are available, but it doesn't matter if you don't think you are worth saving. Convincing someone they are worth saving is the most difficult thing to do, there has to be some spark in them that thinks that have value and are worth saving. And honestly, I know I am not.

The worst part breaking mentally, is that every time I piece myself back together, I lose a part of me, I die a little more each time. I lose who I was. I have nothing left that even resembles who I was... I can put on a facade, I can pretend.. but it's all a lie.

I kept coming back here looking for redemption and friendship, but one I am not worthy of and the other I don't think I ever truly had. I don't plan on coming back this time.

I am tired..

Much like the last time I found myself in this situation, the people I thought I could count on... the people I thought would help me... had no interest or desire to help me. They only had use for me when I could help them or had something to offer. When I needed something they simply weren't there.

that's the way it's always been... for the most part... there was one important exception to this.. but I managed to screw that up royally. from the end of February to pretty much the beginning of June, I have been in the darkest place I have ever been mentally.

I had actually come to the conclusion that I was truly worthless and that I had no purpose. I decided that I would give myself one last spectacular night,and then I would go home take some sleeping pills...

I woke up very pissed off that I was still alive, and pretty much from March 3rd till the beginning of June.. on my days off, I devoured sleeping pills like they were tic tacs.

Despite the fact I was juggling my personal life, my professional life and helping them out to best of my abilities... I was told repeatedly it was not good enough... In addition to feeling like efforts at work weren't good enough as I kept losing ground there..not having the highest self esteem in the first place began my descent into self loathing and despair which began a cycle that I should have recognized, but at the same time was powerless to stop. I hit rock bottom and then managed to discover that the layer beneath rock bottom is endless piles of crap.

February was when it all hit the fan and I managed to hit a new low even for me. I had made misguided attempts to reach out for help to those I had considered friends and at least in one instance completely misread a situation and in my attempts to keep some semblance of stability in my life managed to screw that up and lose everything.

So while dealing with this, I was also stretching myself thin by helping people I had considered friends and house/pet sitting for them while they travelled for business and family issues. I was expected to drop everything and be there all the time despite the fact that I was working and I had other obligations that I had to fulfill.

Additionally I was basically babysitting their grown daughter who simply couldn't be bothered to pick up the slack, If I was gone longer than a few hours I would get my ass chewed out. 2 of the 4 dogs are not house trained at all. 1 is a damn yapping nuisance of papillion who is asks to go out every 30 minutes.. day and night. Sometimes he actually has to go... and if you don't get of bed to put him out he will just mess all over the floor. The 2nd is the stupidest and most brainless corgi I have ever encountered 4. she messes all over the floor if she is not put out every 2 hours.... which given an 8 hour workday makes for interesting homecomings.

Additionally we have all had our hours slashed basically in half, so we have gone from having a full time position to having barely part time.

To make things worse, the manager has lied to our faces repeatedly... it's seemingly at his whim what our jobs actually are for the day. It's made even worse because he can't handle crowds at all Which is hysterical because we can do insane volumes of business on a good day. also he himself is basically useless, he can usually be found in the least demanding areas and He is actually incapable of running a terminal, he has no clue how to use it.

So while dealing with this, I was also stretching myself thin by helping people I had considered friends and house/pet sitting for them while they travelled for business and family issues. I was expected to drop everything and be there all the time despite the fact that I was working and I had other obligations that I had to fulfill.

I think a more rational explain is owed here, but I don't want to go back to the thread which I started, that is me at my lowest mentally and I don't really want to face that... again.

In December my company was officially bought out and at the time we were told it was going to be business as usual and that there would be no major changes to our current jobs.

Just weeks later, all the supervisors were effectively demoted and had our responsibilities revoked and then reinstated... repeatedly. Our jobs were being redefined on almost a daily basis, so we had no idea what the hell we were supposed to be doing at any given time.

One day we were supervisors and then we were knocked back down. On really good days this could happen for the duration of your entire shift. The biggest part was as supervisors we had access to storage where we could get the supplies that we needed Since December we have had our keys revoked and reinstated no less than a dozen times.