Transformers: Dark of the Moon (real review)
I know what you are going to say, I can't review the film twice, but, I believe I can, as the film, is actually TWO films
This is the longest film I've sat through in a long time, and to be honest, it did not need to be this long, and I could actually see where this film could be split in two to create a two part film with both parts being completely and utterly different.
For the first half of the film, it's all talking, with very little dancing. It's strange how it's actually edited at the start of the film, it starts off with a cool opening of the war of Cybertron and the moon landings and it looks as if the film is going to be far cooler and more serious than it's predecessors. Then once the title has popped up on screen, the next cut is of the British chicks ass cheeks as it is suddenly a Victoria's Secret advertisement (more on that later) and Shia LaBeouf's character, and this is the biggest problem I have with the film. One scene will be of Autobots working to stop Decepticons and be an actual film about Transformers, the next will be Shia LaBeouf new sitcom pilot for CBS, it's frustrating to say the least.
And this is the case, for an hour
, he doesn't seem to reunite with the Autobots until the closing side of the final hour, but he seems to run into all sorts of crazy hijinks with wasted random cast like Ken Jeong and John Malkovich. And then we get the the second act of the film, where it starts to screech scarily to a halt as we have to set the pieces for what was advertised on the trailers, the world domination of the decepticons. And it tries to rush there as fast as possible (it actually kills off a lot of comedic value just for this
) but it still very tedious. It tries to set up some dynamic with Optimus and Setinal but when I say that, I mean one short scene where Setinal just calls Optimus the leader
And then, bang, shit goes down, but before all that happens, I just need to talk about a one more thing
The actress that replaced Megan Fox...she is awful, she's to uppity posh that there is no emotion in that flawless, spoiled brat accent of hers. Sexy, hell yes, but like I said, if you're hiring an actress based purely on eye candy, not place her in lingerie in the first minute of your film Bay, because you blow your entire load way, way, way too early unless you are going to go full nude. You've seen every single ounce of potential from this girl in her first few seconds with a close up of her ass, what else am I going to focus on for the rest of the film, oh yeah, HER SHITTY ACTING!!!
Also, what was with the 1 girl who were obvious look alike of Megan Fox being told off wearing a skimpy dress
Anyway, with all that past, there are a few bits of potential being show throughout the first hour and a half of the film, which are followed up with fantastically within the final hour!
And this is what make this instalment of the franchise worth watching this summer, EASILY
It's non-stop action from then on there, Bay swings into full on mode, AND NOTHING ESCAPE HIS VIOLENT VISION OF DESTRUCTION!!! NOTHING!!!
This film is brutal, robots spurting out endless amounts of blood, a thousand people are disintegrated through machine gun fire
And it got a 12a/PG-13
He utilises 3D quite strangely well, he obviously decided to use the tool he was forced to use to it's maximum advantage because my god it looks beautiful. And this is why Transformers 3 gets away with all it's flaws, well two reasons 1) It has nothing as bad as those goddamn Twins, although there were a few scummy British robots in this one, and 2) Transformers 3, regardless of what you see this summer, will offer you something so insane and crazy, that you will not see it anywhere else.
And then, it ends...
It wraps up so quickly that nothing sinks in, like Michael Bay stood up from the editing table and went "That's it, I'm done with Transformers!", The Villains are killed in the matter of 30 seconds in rapid succession. And that speech that Optimus Prime ends every movie with, it's 2 lines, that's it.
They screwed up the most important moment of the film...well, you know...let me explain...
The speech at the end of Transformers movies always makes you look back at the film and go "You know, that film wasn't just about explosions, I learnt something...I think...well, Optimus Prime said so, so I must of done". It's a breather, the calm after the storm (by the way, I just spoiled half the speech for you, not kidding). I wouldn't mind but, this is the end of the series, I have a few questions, like how are they going to rebuild all that damaged stuff, what are the Autobots going to do now, are the decepticons gone for good?
It just ends
But all of this renders pointless, this entire review, because throughout it, I've been eating left over half heated pizza. And there is a moment, when writing this review, where I looked down at my meal for the night, and thought to myself "You know, if you are the person who can settle for half heated, slightly stale pizza, then you know deep down inside you like this movie". It's the person I am, I will happily take my 'Splosions, my stupid humour and my love of badass robots beating each other senseless, and I shall take it and relish in each awful flaw, each awesome moment, and just take it on for what it is. That one film that just went all out and blew up an entire planet because Micheal Bay said it would look cool! And cool it looked
8/10
All countries
Argentina
Austria
Belgium
Brazil
Bulgaria
Chile
China
Colombia
Cyprus
Czech Republic
Estonia
Denmark
Finland
Greece
Hong Kong
Hungary
Iceland
Indonesia
Ireland
Israel
India
Latvia
Lithuania
Malaysia
New Zealand
Norway
Philippines
Poland
Portugal
Romania
Russia
Singapore
South Africa
South Korea
Sweden
Switzerland
Taiwan
Thailand
Turkey
Ukraine
United Arab Emirates
)
And that's why I love Dog Soldiers.
Linear Mode
