Am I a bad person?

[Owen Lol]

It's 7:32pm and I'm in my room that I unfortunately am forced to share with my brother. I have mad as hell parents downstairs, and a bad ****ing headache.

I must warn you that I am a freshman in Highschool and my story may contain somethings that some of you may not want to read.

I have never been good at getting good grades. I never was. At times I take things "seriously" but deep down I know that it won't last. My parents yell at me on a regularly basis about getting **** grades and getting into deep ****. I've gotten into a lot of trouble over the past few years. Normally with my friends. Who I question are even my friends anymore..

Real trouble began to happen of September of 2009. At the end of the month I started smoking.. I hated when I first did it in September, but last December I was offered to do it again.. And I took it. I really liked it then. And ever since that I've spent about half my saved money to buy more. And once I got it.. I would sell it to friends, steal more, or just smoke it. I've started having a lot of people over on the weekends and we just hang out, watch movies. Smoke the hookah, and then hit up some other stuff.. I enjoy it so much when I do it.. But I feel like it's made my mediocre school skills even worse.. All of my friends smoke. Some have smoked for a long time.. And some have just gotten into it this year.. Like me.
Well I know now that my parents know I do it. And my teacher in school constantly emails my mom whenever I **** something up. And she always just talks to me in a hollow, tired tone. I just say the same thing every time. "It's not your problem it's mine, so don't worry about it". And she just threatens me.
Today, (Friday), I walked downstairs after I just smoked a lot. This was all just a few hours ago. And I say hi to my mom in the kitchen. She doesn't look away from what she's doing and she quietly says Hi. Then she looks up from what she was doing and just explains that we're going to have a meeting with all of my teachers about my "poor grades". I just walked away from her with no answer. I wake up every morning with a desire to smoke. And go to sleep with the same feeling.
I have 2 brothers, 1 older and 1 younger, and 1 older sister. My older brother smokes with me all the time. The younger one is only 8 years old so he doesn't know. I would never get him into it. And my sister has smoked a few times before, but she is mainly a massive prude that never wants to try something new. But I still feel like I'm one of a kind in my family. My older brother never does anything with friends and we fight at least 6 times a week. As I mentioned before, I have to share a room with him.

Here is the link to my thread about sharing a room: https://forum.blu-ray.com/general-ch...ious-help.html

My younger brother is probably the sibling I get along with best. But we're so different. I used to play sports all the time. But now I don't play any sports, I'm not in any clubs, and I still can't handle school. He on the other hand does what he has to in school just fine. He's starting to play the drums soon, so he's gonna be even more of the perfect child now. You may ask yourself, "How hard is it for an 8 year old in elementary school?" Well he has NO trouble. He does what he has to, and does it correctly.
My older sister now. She is always in a bad mood. For as long as I can remember she has been an evil person. Every time I say "I feel bad for her" I go to try and talk to her. And walk away a minute later clenching my teeth and make a fist. She's a massive prude and had 0 friends. I'm not just saying that she has no friends. I actually hear her crying and talking to my mom on a regular basis about how she has no friends. She hangs out and talks to girls in my grade all the time. And then I have to put up with their **** when my sister gets in a fight with them and ****s it up.

Now some more info about me. I have never had a girlfriend, I'm not athletic, I'm a very lonely person, and I am a very slow person at academics. I do hang out with friends every weekend though. I normally am not here at all Friday-Sunday night. I'm the only one in my family that actually goes out and does things with friends.

Just recently I've had a lot on my mind. Smoking, school, friends. I've actually considered killing myself. I feel like I'm just a lowlife on a road, going nowhere fast. I always pull through it though. Something good happens then I get back on track. Then I **** up and it's all a trainwreck from there. I think my parents hate me. And want me out. But I don't know what to do anymore. Because I listen to Jeezy loud, and my parents prefer the Beatles. I'm a rebel to the house. I'm an "outsider". I have no real intrests other than playing the piano, music, and movies. I don't care at all about anything else. I hate my life, I hate who I am, and what I've made myself into.

[Lord_Stewie]

Honestly, I have to tell you that life is precious and don't waste it with such ideas you mentioned. Maybe you and your parent don't get along but I find it hard to believe that they don't love you.

You may be upset today, but tomorrow is a whole different story. There are ups and downs to life but that's life it only makes you stronger. I suggest you have a serious talk with your parent about this.

I hope things work out for you.

[nikolaipromises]

Sounds like you need to adjust what environmental things you can, such as your choice of friends. Problem is, you're now addicted to things your friends are addicted to, so it'll make matters that much harder.

Drugs make people feel good. Better. Like the king of the world. But it's all a facade, and you seem to know that. You're craving it because your environment isn't the best. And, honestly, it's normal. But, having friends who have lost their way to drugs and alcohol, I beg you not to let yourself come to that. They've lost all ambition and drive. They've lost a large part of themselves in this horrible transition of becoming a shell of their former selves.

You're young, and thank goodness. You have time to act, and maybe it's about time you tell your parents to help you out. If they won't, go to someone at your school. If not there, someone at a church. It doesn't matter if you're religious or not. People out there will help.

Above all else, don't ever think of ending your own life. As someone who's faced that before, I can tell you that you'll realize there are people who would miss you too much, and that becoming a statistic isn't what you're meant to be.

Chin up, man. I mean it. If you ever need someone to talk to, PM me. I'll give you my e-mail and we'll talk whenever you want.

[crazyBLUE]

I agree with Stewie . You are young & have your whole life Ahead of you . We all make mistakes & we all learn from them .

Good luck with choosing A good path & direction . YOU CAN DO IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Owen Lol]

Thanks guys. I'm in tears as I right this. I may be young.. But I still see nothing good for myself. Things have never been this bad.

[Diesel]

I agree, a life is much too precious to waste or lose. No matter how dark things may seem, never give up. You have a long long life left to live.

I'm not much older than you (18), and trust me, I used to think all the time when I was 13-15 that my parents didn't like me because of the amount of arguments that we would get in. We still argue a good bit. But I now never question for even a second that they love me. I'm sure the same is true for you and your parents, they may not see eye to eye with you all the time but I'm sure they do love you, and probably just want better things for you and possibly think you are capable of better in school. If you are absolutely doing the best you can, then try to avoid the argument and yelling and have a calm conversation with them and try to explain to them that you really ARE doing the best you can. And if you aren't doing the best you can, try and do better and show them that you are honestly trying. They can't ask anymore from you than for you to do your best and try your hardest.

As for your older brother, I used to butt heads with my older brother all the time as well, nearly every day. But it was because we spent sooo much time together living under the same roof and for a while in the same room when we were younger. I don't know how much older he is than you, but when he moves out or gets a job/goes to college and isn't around as much, you guys will start to realize you don't dislike each other as much as you may think. My brother and I never fight anymore now that we don't spend every minute we're both at home together anymore (he moved out). That relationship will get better as you get older, just as most peoples' ones do.

My suggestion is, if you don't like the direction your life is going, just set your mind on changing your situation, whether that involve changing the way you think about things, the things you do, the places you go the people you hang out with, etc. Just do your best to make a change and better your situation and never give up on yourself or your life

[Belloche]

High School years can be pretty rough but you have to believe it gets better. One day you will look back and marvel at how much you and your surroundings have changed. High School is such a tiny piece of your life in the grand scheme of things, but it comes at a very formative time in our lives.
I hope you try to find someone you can talk to in your life to help you out. Please remember that your situation is temporary and things do get better. Good luck.

[DetroitSportsFan]

Originally Posted by Owen Lol

Just recently I've had a lot on my mind. Smoking, school, friends. I've actually considered killing myself. I feel like I'm just a lowlife on a road, going nowhere fast. I always pull through it though. Something good happens then I get back on track. Then I **** up and it's all a trainwreck from there. I think my parents hate me. And want me out. But I don't know what to do anymore. Because I listen to Jeezy loud, and my parents prefer the Beatles. I'm a rebel to the house. I'm an "outsider". I have no real intrests other than playing the piano, music, and movies. I don't care at all about anything else. I hate my life, I hate who I am, and what I've made myself into.

You've got it all wrong.

You feel like a lowlife because that's the lifestyle you're living. Just by stopping smoking and doing your school work your life will change. That garbage you're putting in your body and the people you associate with is ruining your life...can't you see that?

Don't worry about a girlfriend right now... you have to work on fixing yourself first. And again, just doing your schoolwork, not hanging out with certain people, and laying off drugs will do wonders.

Your parents don't hate you, but I'm sure they're frustrated as hell because they think their son pissing his life away. You might be on a road to nowhere right now, but it's up to you to change the direction and reclaim your life. It's not your parents, teachers, or anyone else' fault. You are in control of your destiny.

[Sussudio]

Don't fret too much, you are still very young and have a long way to go in life and LOT of time to think about how you want to spend it There is no deadline to decide who you want to be or what you want to do....one day (or maybe over several) you will discover it for yourself

[SeanMF]

Originally Posted by DetroitSportsFan

You've got it all wrong.

You feel like a lowlife because that's the lifestyle you're living. Just by stopping smoking and doing your school work your life will change. That garbage you're putting in your body and the people you associate with is ruining your life...can't you see that?

Don't worry about a girlfriend right now... you have to work on fixing yourself first. And again, just doing your schoolwork, not hanging out with certain people, and laying off drugs will do wonders.

Your parents don't hate you, but I'm sure they're frustrated as hell because they think their son pissing his life away. You might be on a road to nowhere right now, but it's up to you to change the direction and reclaim your life. It's not your parents, teachers, or anyone else' fault. You are in control of your destiny.

+1. Your in control. You have the power to change things. If you can't do it. Suck it up and ask for help. Your parents and teachers are trying to help you. It's high school and you have your whole life ahead of you. Obviously what your doing now isn't work. Best wishes and I hope you do the right thing.

[Moefiz]

Owen...trust me kid you are not a bad person..the people out there that does physical harm to other people are the bad person

Life throws you a curve ball now and then but you just have to get in the batters box and swing away...you may not hit it the first or second time but eventually you will...don't give up before you do anything crazy, talk to your Mom..you may be surprise at the results...

[Drew664]

I would go to your school counselor, be 100% honest when explaining your situation, and get direction from him/her. They should have excellent resources there to get yourself fixed up if you choose to do so. Balls in your court, bud. The earlier you make this effort, the easier it is going to be for you.

[SonOfArathorn]

I effing hate all of the demonization of marijuana that still goes on these days. This isn't 1950 people, weed doesn't kill you, doesn't encourage you to take other drugs, doesn't make you rape women, doesn't make you violent, or lazy, or sad, or careless. What it does is make you hungry and peaceful.
However, people who's minds and bodies are still developing shouldn't be smoking it. It does inhibit the growth of new brain cells and it does impact your ability to learn.

My advice to this bloke, quit the weed until your older. Put all of your efforts into school. I'm sure there are many here who will tell you that without an education you are nothing. Our system is such that no matter how smart you are nobody will look twice at you without schooling.

Parental issues are linked to the smoking and the school. If you were getting stellar grades they likely wouldn't care as much about the weed smoking (which even if they don't say, they do care about).

Granted I didn't read everything said here but I got the gist. OP, you're just a kid. In 5 years you'll realize that all the things that happened at this age were pretty much bull**** anyway, and the things you thought you cared about meant less than ****. You'll understand that everyone feels this way at that age, and that getting through it is part of becoming a man.

But seriously, smoking weed at your age is not a good idea. Not going to kill you, but it will impair your emotional growth and you will remain forever a freshman in high school, mentally anyway. When marijuana is legalized (and don't effing kid yourselves, it will happen sooner than later) it had better be with an age restriction similar to alcohol... anyway digressions.

Stick with it man, life is so god damned good after high school, you never have to see most of those idiots again and things do get better, so much better.

[brettallica]

In reading your post and knowing nothing about you other than what I saw in that writing, I can tell you've got a decent head on your shoulders. So what if you're not the athlete of the family, the brain of the family, or if you don't "fit" any of the cookie-cutter "roles" that you think you should fit The fact that you even have a perspective on your current state of being is telling in and of itself. Most kids your age (I can say that now that I'm 31 years old) just meander pointlessly through life, and when they get into drugs they don't even realize that they're being possessed by them until it's too late.

As the others have said, you will get by this rough patch in your life. You just have to keep on keeping on. Find something that you do well (and don't worry we all have something we do well) or at the very least find a healthy activity that you can go all OCD on and keep your mind off of the negative temptations that you're battling now. You mentioned that you play piano; get into that a little more. Playing music is a great exercise for the mind.

Like nikolaipromises, I have seen people lose their way (and eventually, their minds) to drugs and bad choices. It's sad. Don't let it happen to you. I think the fact that you're even remotely cognizant of the situation is a very good thing. I tend to agree with what DetroitSportsFan was saying about stopping smoking and giving a better effort toward schoolwork. That will do wonders for your mind and body, and even if you don't think you're smart, you will get smarter. Just having focus and willpower (which I'm guessing you have) funneled into the proper areas will turn your life around without you even knowing it.

[Owen Lol]

I can't just "give my best". The schoolwork bull I'm given, I hate. It's not that I'm stupid, it's just that I don't care.

[Bodyslide]

Some 25 years ago, I had a friend who was in about the same position as you. He finished High School and got his diploma. He worked for a few years at a Quaker State oil change place and at some point in his early 20's decided to give up Smoking for good. He had some rough times back at the end of High School, he had alot of Issues with his folks. He worked it all out by the time he was 25, he then went to work for a Local City police and has been in Law Enforcement for the past 18 years.
We talked about he use to smoke and drink people under the table back in the day. Once he became a Cop he was hooked on the Rush of his job....

Dude Life will get better. You just need to make the Best choices you can in your situation....Good luck and if you ever need to chat let me know..I have a son who is a Junior in High School and Maybe he can talk with you alittle.....

[Clark Kent]

The teenage years can be tough if you don't feel like you fit in somewhere. It crosses everyone's mind at some point during that time about their role in the world. Your posts are well-spoken and ordered, which is more than I can say for many postings on the Internet. That indicates a strong level of intelligence, which could be applied to many interests and skills. School may or may not be one of them.

I understand the pressures and temptations of drug use, because it often provides a temporary escape from life's pressures. But they really should not be used as a crutch, and avoided as much as possible. Habitual use leads to many negative outcomes, both physically and mentally. Modern science has shown us that teenagers process the world slightly differently than an adult brain.

Seeking professional help in the form of a counselor or doctor might be a wise move. That ended up helping out my younger brother immensely for issues of a somewhat familiar nature.

[ThaiTeaGal]

Don't think negative about yourself. You should write down all the positives things about yourself. Please don't kill yourself. You still have a long life to live. I suggest you talk to a guidance counselor if you feel comfortable. There will be some tough times along the way, but that's part of life. Don't beat yourself up if you can't keep up with school. Drugs will give you a temporary high and let you escape reality for a bit, but eventually you're going to have face what's going on in your life right now. I'm sorry you feel this way about your life, but don't ever hurt yourself or don't let anyone hurt you in life. Try and surround yourself with positive people. Go try out for sports again or join an after school club. You are too young to be having a bad headache. You need to enjoy life. Don't cut your life short just because your friends are smoking. Maybe you can learn to play a different instrument and join the band? Go watch movies with your friends without smoking a joint or hookah. You don't have to have good grades. Just be a normal average student. Be yourself. Not what your friends want you to be.

I hope my advice has helped you.

[GreenScar]

Originally Posted by DetroitSportsFan

You've got it all wrong.

You feel like a lowlife because that's the lifestyle you're living. Just by stopping smoking and doing your school work your life will change. That garbage you're putting in your body and the people you associate with is ruining your life...can't you see that?

Don't worry about a girlfriend right now... you have to work on fixing yourself first. And again, just doing your schoolwork, not hanging out with certain people, and laying off drugs will do wonders.

Your parents don't hate you, but I'm sure they're frustrated as hell because they think their son pissing his life away. You might be on a road to nowhere right now, but it's up to you to change the direction and reclaim your life. It's not your parents, teachers, or anyone else' fault. You are in control of your destiny.

I have to say this is the best response and you should read it over and over. I would add that you need to remember that there are a lot of things we don't like in this world that we do to benefit ourselves in the long run, schoolwork is one of those things. Apply yourself. Work hard and don't take the easy way out. Make yourself do it. You'll fail, fall down, trip up, but pick yourself up each and every time. Analyze what made you trip up and learn from that.

Treat your body well, appreciate your parents and your brothers and sisters. They're all struggling through life as well. Hang in there and decide to change today.

[OrlandoEastwood]

Just do your best when it comes to school. I was always disappointed in myself when it came to grades. I would always try for A's and B's and then I'd always have a "C". It would always tick me off big time. My parents always gave me s*** about it. I've been where you've been. It'll get better, man. Just give it time. It's not worth losing your life over.