Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”
Lionel Hutz: (referring to the judge in their upcoming court case) Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”
Homer: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Grandpa Simpson: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
Homer: A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.
Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
Principal Skinner: Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.
Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You’ll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead—do your worst!
Burns slams the door and locks it.
Disbelieving He locked the door! I’ll show him—rings the doorbell and runs away.
Radioactive Man: ZEE GOGGLES …. ZEY DO NOTHING !!!
Marge: But Grandpa, that flag only has 49 stars on it!
Grandpa Simpson: I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missour-ah as a state!
Barney: My name is Barney Gumble and I’m an alcoholic.
Lisa: But Mr. Gumble this is a Girl Scout meeting.
Barney: Is It? Or is it that you can’t admit you have a problem?
Homer: Marge, you can’t kick me out of the house! you’ll cause a miscount on the census! A miscount!
Flanders: Why aren't you all in your sheltereenies?
Moe: Because we don't have any sheltereenies(sp).
Scully: “Homer this is a simple lie-detector test, simply answer yes or no to the qeustions I ask you. Do you understand?”
Homer: “Yes”
(Lie-detector explodes)
Comic Book Guy: There is no emoticon to express what I’m feeling right now.
Apu: Mr. Simpson, pay for your purchases and get out…and come again.
Comic Book Guy: Is there a word in Klingon for loneliness?.. oh here it is.. “Garrrrrrrrrdaaaahhhkkkkkk”!
Homer: I know. Well, this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
Hutz: Mrs Simpson, your sexual harassment case is just what I need to rebuild my shattered career! Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?
Marge: But it’s 9:30 in the morning!
Hutz: Yeah but… I haven’t slept in days. [glug, glug] Last chance! [glug, glug] Ohh yeah!
Hutz: Whiskey! The brownest of the brown. What’s that? (talking to bottle) You want me to drink you?
Moe: they think their so high and mighty.. just because they never got caught driving without pants.
Homer at the post office trying to steal burns’ mail while wearing a mustache.
Homer: (trying to disguise his voice) Hello there, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Postal Clerk: Okay Mr Burns, uh, what is your first name?
Homer: [brief pause] I don’t...know.
Homer looking at a note on the thermostat- "Don’t touch, Willie…"
Homer: Good Advice!
Advertisment guy to homer: You know those radio commercials where two annoying voices yammer back and forth to each other, I invented those! (Homer punches him in the face) …happens all the time.
Moe: This thing can flash fry a Water Buffalo in 40 seconds.”
Homer: Ohhhhh, 40 seconds! but I want mine NOW.
Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call her Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws.
After Marge gets sentenced to jail.
Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
When they are in Australia and Marge is ordering coffee from an Australian bartender.
Marge: I’ll have a coffee
Bartender: Beer it is
Marge: No, I said coffee
Bartender: Beer?
Marge: Cooooo-feeeeeee
Bartender: Bee-eeeer?
Marge: C, O…
Bartender: B, E
And also...
Australian: Bullfrogs? that's a weird name, I woulda called em scuzz wozzas.
Millhouse: Hey Homer, remember that time I dropped my keys and you thought the phone was ringing?
Bart: Oh, this is the worst day of my life.
Homer: The worst day of your life so far.
Homer: And now we play the waiting game. . . argh! The waiting game sucks! Lets play hungry hungry hippos!!
Newsman: Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers.
Homer: Hey — that’s a half-truth!
Homer: Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the police academy, I thought it’d be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie, “Spaceballs”. But instead it’s been painful and disturbing like that movie “Police Academy”.
Grandpa Simpson (consoling Bart): You never know what you can do until you try. I never thought that I could shoot down a German plane … but last year I proved I was wrong.
When Principal Skinner is driving the school bus because Otto has lost his license and been disqualified from driving.
Bart: Hey, where’s Otto?
Skinner: Now there’s one palindrome you won’t be seeing for a while.
Judge: Mr. Hutz this verdict is written on a napkin. And it still says guilty! And guilty is spelled wrong!
Lionel Hutz: That’s why you’re the judge and I’m the law-talking guy.
Judge: The lawyer?
Lionel Hutz: Right.
Lou: Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! BZZT! Okay, okay, I did, but I didn’t shoot him. DING!
Lou: He checks out all right. Okay, sir, you’re free to go.
Moe: Good, because I got a hot date tonight. BZZT! A date. BZZT! Dinner with friends. BZZT! Dinner alone. BZZT! Watching TV alone. BZZT! All right! I’m going to sit at home alone and ogle the ladies in the Victoria’s Secret catalogue. BZZT! (ashamed) Sears catalogue. DING!
Selma: Sorry I had to work so late. How did it go with the baby?
Grandpa: We’re having a great time. I cleaned up all my best war stories for her. I was just telling her how we chased the teddy bears into their cuddle bunkers, (more creepy) then had to tickle them out with machine hugs and fun throwers! (sinister zoom-in) They say the more soldiers you tickle, the easier it gets. Well, sir, it doesn’t.
Bart: Oh, my bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of…”malk”?
Homer is given the job of santa claus in the parade and he’s practising his lines-
Homer: Ho, ho, ho, merry….line?
Bart: christmas.
Homer: what?! Lemme see that.
Homer (answering the phone) Yello? She what?! OH MY GOD!! Well, I am going to settle this once and for all! Meet me at the place we discussed. (hangs up.)
Marge: Who was that??
Homer: Wrong number.
Homer: Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.
Willie: If i don’t save the wee turtles, who will!? (after emerging from classroom with turtles hanging off of him, biting him) HELP! SAVE ME FROM THE WEE TURTLES!
Woman: Why do you want to adopt a ‘little brother’?
Homer’s Brain: Don’t say ‘revenge’.
Homer: Revenge.
Homer’s Brain: That’s it, I’m out of here. (hear sound of stomping down stairs and a slamming door in Homer’s head)
Arctic Explorer: You gotta start charging more then $1 a bag for this stuff! We lost two more men on the last trip.
Apu: If you can think of an easier way of getting ice then I’d love to hear it.
Marge opening mail… 3rd Notice… Final Notice… *SOME GUYS ARE COMING!!*
Marge: The plant called and said if you don’t come in tomorrow, don’t bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun.
Old guy filling in for the striking teachers: Looking out the window… that’s a paddlin’, starin’ at my sandles…that’s a paddlin’, paddlin’ the school canoe…oh you better believe that’s a paddlin’.
Lisa: Dont worry bart i have soething that will cheer you up.
Bart: Is it my turtle who went to live uptown?
Lisa: He died bart, dad buried him in the backyard, but not in that order.
Burns: It was the best of times.. it was the BLURST of times?!
When Apu and Marge are in the Monstro-Mart and get knocked down by a large wave of spilled cranberry juice, and the squeaky voiced teen says ‘it’s cran-tastic!’
Homer: Son. If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Quiet! They’re gonna announce the lottery numbers.
Homer: looking at a picture of the family where Bart is holding an ‘I stink’ speech bubble to Homer’s mouth.
"I don’t remember saying that".
[In a classroom]
Homer: Making love to a beautiful woman is a lot like eating an orange…first you have the oily skin, then the soft fruit in…..
Willie: Arrgh….if I wanted to learn how to eat an orange, i would have gone to the orange eating class!
[In another classroom]
Hans Moleman: Eating an orange is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman.
Grandpa: Just eat the damn orange!
Marge: A woman invented liquid paper.
Homer: Do you know what a man invented? ACTUAL paper!
Moe: Homer, you know your money aint no good in here…- wait a minute, this is real money!
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