2001: A Space Parody - Please look!

[tron3]

I normally refrain from posting this type of work here, but I know there are people here who would particularly enjoy this story.

This parody is actually from book 2, chapter 5 of a parody I am working on. I finished this chapter just today.

It is called "Star Shack". It is part Star Trek: TNG, part Radio Shack, and all parts funny. Rather than give you a little character background to help you understand it, I decided to let you go in blind without the spoilers. Why? Well, considering how 2001: ASO is an open ended interpretive work, I felt it would be fun and curious for you to reach your own conclusions.

I look forward to the Stanley Kubrick-esq responses. Enjoy.
Remember this is a (c)opyrighted work.

Star Shack 2-5: A Space Odd-essay

Date: 2001
Time: The Dawn of Man.

(Picard arrives at Star Shack to find the gates down with Riker, Geordi, and Worf waiting outside.)

Picard: What is the meaning of this? Why are you all just moping around like a bunch of monkeys? Are you going to open the store or have you all decided to fling feces at one another?

Riker: Corporate suddenly changed the locks, Captain. Said there was a need for more security. Data has the key because he was told by Chuck-Q to pick it up last night on his way home. We called him and he is on the way. Said he would explain when he got here. Emeril will also be late.

Picard: Why will Emeril be late?

Riker: You know him, Jean Luc. If we ask we probably don't want to know.

Picard: Ugh. This is simply unacceptable! Where is Data with that new key? Why wasn't I notified sooner?

Riker: Because you weren't home and unlike the rest of the world, you don't own a cell phone.

Picard: Just waiting for the right kind, that's all. Ahh, here he comes now. (Sarcasm.) Mr. Data so good of you to join us. We were just talking about you. Why the hell are you late?

Geordi: Yeah, buddy. That is not like you at all. You ok?

Data: My apologies. My morning self diagnostic routine delayed me. I have a component I feel is going critical.

Picard: So is my urge to pee. Open the damn doors already, Data!

(Everyone waits while Data unlocks the gates and opens the store.)

Geordi: By the way, Captain. A shipment came last night just before closing. I know it sounds unusual, but it appears it might be actual new stock.

Worf: Actual new stock? Impossible, no one sends us new stock. Even the other Star Shacks never send us new stock. All these guys are always screwing each other. Haven't you noticed almost no women work for this company here in space? This place has become a real sausage fest.

Data: Here is the new key Captain. (Twitches.) Doors are open, everyone.

Picard (Taking the key.): It certainly is an unusually strange design. Must be magnetic. Looks oddly familiar.

(Everyone one walks into the store and approaches the unusually large shaped package.)

Worf: It looks legit. Who could possibly have sent this?

Geordi: As I was trying to say, this was authoized by Chuck-Q. He called last night when we had to close. You were still Rick Rolling on the ground. It's the new cell shipment. He says not to open it. The very first one must be sold to a special customer. He declined to say who it was. Just that this sale would be an inspiration to us all.

Riker: Hell, having something new to actually sell is inspiration enough. We will never be able to sell that stack of HD DVD players.

Worf: Chuck-Q sent this? (Backs away.) I want no part of this. He always manages to screw me.

(Kahn walks in with a somewhat portly bearded gentleman in a suit.)

Kahn: You will not have to worry about Chuck-Q, Mr. Worf. After his humiliting defeat yesterday at your "hands", so to speak, he has taken a leave of absence.

Worf: What? Chuck-Q is gone? Where? How long?

Kahn: He declined to respond. By the way, Captain, how was the Hockey game last night? I heard that you and Mr. Riker had the honor of going.

Picard: We never got to stay. The tickets were counterfeit. We were lucky we weren't arrested. We were so humiliated when the actual ticket holders showed up. I should have known better. Damn it, Chuck screwed me!

Riker: Glad we got that over with. Much sooner than usual, too.

Kahn: Enough of these pleasantries. I can not keep Stanley Kubrick waiting. He is much too important to be seen in this dump.

Riker: Speaking of dumps. (Holding nose.) Oh geeze, Kahn, you are horrible. I can't breath. Don't they make air locks for Depends?

Picard: Stanley Kubrick? Director of 2001: A Space Odyssey? I love that movie. It is simply one of my favorite films. Unfortunately we only have HD DVD in this store and can not watch it on blu-ray.

Kahn (Turns to Stanley Kubrick): The Captain says that he loves 2001: A Space Odyssey and that you are a genius to have put it on blu-ray, Mr. Kubrick.

(Stanley Kubrick smiles and whispers in Kahn's ear. Everyone is looking puzzled by the sudden awkward communication.)

Kahn: Stanley Kubrick says he is glad that your puny intellect could appreciate his Monolithic genius. But now he would like his phone. Who shall be the lucky salesman?

(Emeril comes walking in the door as Kahn speaks.)

Emeril: Hey, another cellular sale for me. BAM! Who is the chump this time? Wow, Stanley Kubrick! (Extends hand.) I am very pleased to meet you.

Kahn (Intercepting Emeril): Excuse me... Just what is it you think you are doing?

Emeril: I was just greeting Stanley Kubrick. I didn't mean any....

Kahn (Wagging his finger): No, no, no no, no. You do not approach Stanley Kubrick in such manner. His Monolithic genius can not be bothered with.... how shall I say this? Inferior intellects such as your own. You enjoy working for Star Shack, do you not? You wish to remain employed here, correct?

Emeril (Little flabbergasted): I do, I'm honored to work for the greatest company in the galaxy. But I...

Kahn: Ahhh, so then you agree that you are unworthy. Listen carefully my hairy palmed friend. I am giving you a second chance but only because you you had an excellent cellular hit rate. Now, seeing how this is your first offense I'll cut you some slack. If you wish to remain employed there are five things you must learn to say in addressing Stanley Kubrick. Now repeat these five things after me. "Yes, Mr. Kubrick."

Emeril: Ye...yes, Mr. Kubrick.

Kahn: "No, Mr. Kubrick."

Emeril: N-no, Mr. Kubrick.

Kahn: "I'm sorry, Mr. Kubrick."

Emeril (Eyes tearing up.): I'm sorry, Mr. Kubrick.

Kahn: "It won't happen again, Mr. Kubrick."

Emeril (Voice cracking.): It.. it won't happen again, Mr. Kubrick.

Kahn (Waving gesture.) You're an inspiration to us ALL, Mr. Kubrick.

Emeril (Tears streaming.) You're an inspiration to us all, Mr. Kubrick. (Sniff.)

Kahn: Excellent. Now the second thing to remember is to never speak directly to Stanley Kubrick. You shall only speak to me, his aid, and I alone shall relay the message. I shall also translate on his behalf. That is, if he finds you significant enough to respond.

Emeril: But he's standing right there. I know he speaks English.

Kahn: Do not raise your voice to Stanley Kubrick.

Emeril: Huh? I didn't raise my voice. (Sniff.) I only want to ask why...

Kahn: Do not question Stanley Kubrick you miserable little cherry picking white pizza pusher. Let us see how much you have learned. (Sternly.) Now apologize to Mr. Kubrick for your rude behavior and assaulting his senses with your peculiar oder.

Riker (Whispering in Picards ear.): Kahn should talk.

Emeril: But, but, but...

Kahn: Do it or you are fired. Go! Or Stay. But do it because it is what you wish to do. ...Well?

Emeril (Turns a little to Stanley Kubrick.): Oh... (Turns back to Kahn.) I'm sorry, Mr. Kubrick.

Kahn: And..?

Emeril (Teary eyed.): It won't happen again. You...you're an inspiration to us all, Mr. Kubrick.

Kahn (Officiating to Stanley Kubrick.): He says he is sorry, Mr. Kubrick. It won't happen again, Mr. Kubrick. You're an inspiration to us ALL, Mr. Kubrick.

(Stanley Kubrick merely smiles and whispers in Kahn's ear.)

Kahn: Fortunately for you all, Captain Picard, I have contained this incident. Stanley Kubrick normally does not tolerate such lewd behavior. Nor does he normally associate with the lower level scum of the sales force. We shall return in a bit, Captain Picard to pick up Stanley Kubricks cell phone which he inspired. "The Monolith" Do not disappoint us. Oh, and there is a new certification you must all take. It is a 100 questions on how to address Stanley Kubrick in any given situation. No one shall be allowed to sell a "Monolith" until it is finished. (To Stanley Kubrick.) My apologies for their ignorance, Mr. Kubrick. The reason is more than sufficient. They are stunned by your intellectual greatness. Shall we go and discuss our arrangement? We may return after lunch.

(Stanley Kubrick nods and they leave Star Shack. The entire staff is standing for a few moments with jaws agape in shock.)

Geordi: What the HELL was that all about?

Worf: Holy Ferengi shinola! What a cosmic sized prick!

Riker: You would know. (Rolls eyes.) Emeril, are you ok?

Emeril: Yeah, I'm fine. (Wiping eyes.) I'm just confused, embarrassed and humilitated. That's all. My eye is still bothering me from last night. Crying irritated them.

Picard: Welcome to my world. Reminds me of my first encounter with Q and the Radio Borg. I was cowered down in a near fetal position. Look at how he treated me and my employee's. I mean, who really gives a damn that it was Emeril. I'm just furious that Kahn would pull such a stunt in my store. I have a good mind to turn in my key and let him open the store from now on. Just who does he think he is?

Riker: He thinks he's Stanley Kubrick, obviously. But Kahn actually did him a favor. He stopped Stanley Kubrick from shaking Emeril's hairy palm.

Data, Geordi, Picard & Worf (Gimacing and wincing a little.): Ewww.

Picard: Enough of this nonsense. Everyone get to work. I want to take a look at this certification. I'll fill you all in later.

(INTERMISSION.)

(Kahn and Stanley Kubrick return to the store. Stanley Kubrick whispers in Kahn's ear.)

Kahn: Attention everyone. Gather round. Mr. Kubrick has returned and is gracious enough to tolerate your presence for this monumentous occasion. The very first purchase of the cell phone which he inspired. "The Monolith". (Applauds and motions everyone else to follow suit.)

(Everyone lightly applauds and gathers around. Riker sprays a brief blast from a CO2 extingusher in front of him clearing the air. Riker then wears a Lifewise space helmet. )

Riker: Ahh, now I can breath with Kahn in the room. (Breathes loudly over and over.)

Kahn: Silence Commander Riker. You all may have wondered where are the phones for sale. Well, we shipped them in these over sized ipod boxes with bay doors. That is why we changed the locks, to secure them from theft. But now on to the main event. Open the ipod bay doors, please, Data.

Data: Just a moment. Just a moment. (Twitches.) I have detected a fault in my AE35 unit. It is going critical.

Kahn: Mr. Kubruck does not like being kept waiting. Now obey my order. Open the ipod bay doors, Data.

Data: I'm sorry Kahn, I'm afraid I can't do that. I know that you and Chuck-Q are planning to screw me. And I am afraid that is something I simply can not allow.

Kahn: Screw you? What the hell are you talking about? This is insane.

Data: Remember how we used to play chess together?

(Stanley Kubrick whispers in Kahn's ear.)

Kahn (Nervously): Yes. Mr. Kubrick. I am doing my best. It won't happen again, Mr. Kubrick.

Riker (Smirking.): You need me to say that to Stanley Kubrick for you, Kahn?

Kahn: Data, Stanley Kubrick is not amused. Under the jurisdiction of Star Shack and the Radio Borg I command you to comply. NOW!

Data (Singing slowly.): Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer to ... (slower) ... I'm half crazy .... (slower) ... all for the love of you. ... (slower) ...It won't be a stylish marriage... (slower) ...I can't afford a carriage ... (slower) ... But you'll look sweet upon the seat ...(slowest) ... Of a bicycle built for two. (Data twitches and shuts down.)

Worf: Well that was tedious to watch and virtually pointless.

Riker: Yet somehow still classic and enjoyable. Just like 2001: A Space Odyssey (Breathes heavily over and over.)

Picard (Standing behind the counter.): Excuse me, but I have "The Monolith" right here. I was the only one who took the certification, therefore the only one qualified to make the sale. In spite of your arrogance Kahn I decided to save your stink ass. Now, let's do this.

Emeril: Hey, Captain. That was supposed to be my sale.

Kahn: Silence, Emeril you insufferable peasant. You are fortunate to still have a job. If you interrupt again you are fired.

(Frightened, Emeril curls into a fetal position in bubble wrap with his eyes enlarged.)

Kahn: Let us commence, Captain. Stanley Kubrick will be very pleased.

Picard: All I need is his credit card.

(Stanley Kubrick whispers in Kahn's ear.)

Kahn: Yes, Mr. Kubrick. It'll be on me for all the trouble caused by the delay. (Kahn hands Captain Picard his credit card.)

Picard (Runs the credit card.): This phone is unique where as you have to wait until morning before it can be activated. (Hands the Monolith to Kahn.) But you can take it now. It was my pleasure.

Kahn (Handing the Monolith to Stanley Kubrick.): Here you go, Mr. Kubrick. Simply return in the morning and it will be set. The Captain says it was an honor and a pleasure to serve you. Good day to you all. Now if you will excuse me, I need to take Stanley Kubrick away from this place. It is beneath his presence.

(Kahn and Stanley Kubrick leave.)

Emeril (Getting out of the bubble wrap.): Captain, what's the deal? I turn around and BAM! You steal my sale.

Picard: Shut the hell up, Emeril. It got them out of the store, didn't it?

Worf: Yes, but they will have to return in the morning to activate the phone. So what is the point?

Picard: That wasn't the actual phone, Worf. Remember how angry I was and wanted to turn in my store key? Well, it turns out the new magnetic store key Mr. Data gave me is the spitting image of "The Monolith" cell phone. I sold him the key. Now he will be forced to open up the store in the morning. I kept "The Monolith" cell phone for myself. Finally, the right one has come along.

Riker (Breathing loudly in his helmet.): Without the actual phone Kahn won't be able to make a return. He'll have to pay for another one. The Double dip. HA! You're an inspiration to us all, Captain Picard.

Geordi: Magnetic store key? Of course, that must be why Data malfunctioned. He had it all night. Wait... You sold Kahn the store key and kept "The Monolith" cell phone? Ahh ha ha ha haaa! Hot damn, Captain. That is priceless. Even funnier than the time Emeril sent a prop phone out for repair. Never thought I would live to see the day. You royally screwed both Emeril AND Kahn!

(Captain Picard whispers in Riker's ear.)

Riker (Smirking.): The Captain says, "Correction, Geordi. ... I screwed Stanley Kubrick."


The End.

Zarathustra music plays.